


When The Party's Over

by sapphicalexandra



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst and Humor, Arguing, Background Clary Fray/Jace Wayland, Background Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Bad Decisions, Drunkenness, Feels, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2019-11-04 11:40:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 30,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17897744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphicalexandra/pseuds/sapphicalexandra
Summary: Alec is reluctant to attend the wedding of Jocelyn and Luke, friends of his new boyfriend that he doesn't even know, but he's still determined to have a good time. When a person from his past happens to also be there, though, things might take a different turn than expected...





	1. I could lie

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone, long time no see. I got a new Jalec inspiration, so here's a new story. It's not finished and I don't know when it will be, since I don't have much time for writing these days, but I still wanted to get what I already had completed out in the world. Warning, the story does start with the couples Malec/Clace, but if you know me you know they're not endgame lol. Either way, I hope you're intrigued by this start and we'll see where it'll all go. 
> 
> Title from Billie Eilish's song "When the party's over".

“Are you really sure it’s okay that I’m coming along?”

He knew he had asked that too many times already, but it was to be expected from him. After all, Alec was renowned for never being less than an extreme worrier.

Magnus, his boyfriend, didn’t seem to care too much, though, simply shaking his head in amusement.

“As I already told you ten thousand times: _yes_ , of course, they’re my _friends_ and they’re totally okay with me bringing a plus one. Even a _male_ plus one. I don’t choose my friends lightly.”

Alec scoffed, his fingers tapping and tapping on the steering wheel. “Yeah, no, I wasn’t worried about _that_. I’m just…we haven’t been going out for long, you know? Isn’t it kind of weird to already be attending a wedding together?”

Magnus placed a hand on Alec’s. “So what, you’ll meet new people, and spend a _very_ nice, fun few days, for _free_ , at a luxury resort! What more could you want? I assure you, there’s no need to have a _single_ worry.”

Alec had to admit that what Magnus was saying might be right. Maybe it _was_ time for him to be renowned for something else other than being a stick in the mud. _Take a deep breath_ , he told himself, before he allowed a genuine smile to lighten up his face. He hadn’t had a vacation in _so_ long. Of course, it was going to be great.

The rest of the journey passed much more pleasantly after that. Even the heavy traffic didn’t bother him that much, and him and Magnus spent the four-hours-drive singing along to Magnus’s playlist equally as loudly as badly.  

* * *

The Sagamore Resort looked like it needed to be on a postcard. Standing on its own private island, surrounded by a luxurious forest, its main building was both imposing and exquisitely elegant, with freshly painted white walls and gardens with not one tuft of grass out of place. Between outside and inside pools, excellent restaurants and a pavilion with the most romantic view on the lake, a happy couple was about to have the wedding of their dreams. Their guests as well.

“Remind me again how they can afford all _this_?” Alec asked Magnus as they both couldn’t help but stare, as they stood near the car with their mouths agape, while the resort’s staff brought their luggage inside.

“My friend, you know, Jocelyn. Well, her ex-husband, who was a piece of work, and also filthy rich, suddenly decided to become a good person and offered her and her new beau the most perfect wedding to make up for being an asshole.” Magnus gave Alec a secretive look. “But I mean, he also kind of _had_ good reasons to be one. I _can_ kind of understand why he wasn’t that happy about his wife cheating on him with his best friend.”

“ _No_.” Alec couldn’t quite believe his ears, a laugh coming out of him almost involuntarily. You always learned the best gossip with Magnus, for sure.

“ _Yes_ ,” Magnus confirmed emphatically. “It was quite the drama. I think it was also why the two split up, but I think the guy was an asshole first. Who knows, but the most important thing is that there’s a happy ending and we can enjoy all _this_ , of course.”

“Of course.”

One guy from the staff turned to them. “Mr. Bane, Mr. Lightwood. If you would kindly follow me to your suite.”

Their _suite_.

“If you _may_ , Mr. Lightwood.” Magnus had a mischievous glint in his eyes, as he put an arm out for Alec to place his hand around it.  

Alec rolled his eyes. “Oh yes, I may, _Mr. Bane_.”

The main hall they entered was just as grandiose as one would expect from the outside. More than once Alec had to catch himself from gaping too much at everything that shined, or the other guests would start thinking he was a lowly commoner. He wasn’t, really, his family having always been quite well of; still, never on _this_ level.

“Magnus! Oh, I’m so glad you could come, isn’t this wonderful?” a red-headed woman called out from near the marble stairs, a tall and dark-skinned man standing next to her that must’ve been her fiancé. They were both smiling from ear to ear.

“Jocelyn, dear!” Magnus greeted her just as enthusiastically.

They met halfway and embraced warmly, while Alec hang awkwardly behind.

“And _you_ must be Alexander. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Jocelyn’s face seemed to be glowing under the chandelier light.

“Just call me Alec, please.” Alec nodded at her with a polite smile. “Same to you. And congratulations, on the wedding, that is.” Alec quickly put a hand out to shake hers, before he kept on rumbling indefinitely.

“I’m Luke, and I’m pleased to meet you too, Alec,” the fiancé introduced himself. He must’ve been a man of substance, judging by his firm hold on Alec’s hand, which Alec always appreciated. “You scored a nice one, eh, Mag?”

…He appreciated that comment far less.

“Surely I did,” Magnus answered without missing a beat, adding a wink Alec’s way for good measure.

Alec laughed it off together with the others, but he was sure he had become red and he _hated_ having that reaction in front of others. Ever since he’d started dating Magnus, that hadn’t even been a rarity, given the way his boyfriend always had of giving him compliments. Not that he didn’t like them, certainly, but that weekend he at least wanted to reduce embarrassments to a _minimum,_ and he didn’t think he was asking that much, right? He hoped the rest of the guests wouldn’t be quite as direct, though, otherwise Alec doubted it’d be that easy. And to think that he hated gatherings with his _own_ family.  

“Mom, we’re here!” a new voice interrupted the hilarity, followed by the appearance of a shorter, but just as red-headed girl who came to embrace Jocelyn and Luke.

“Finally! We were starting to worry, sweetie,” Jocelyn told her warmly.

“Traffic was _hell_ , I swear.”  

“Biscuit, how nice to see you again, you’ve _grown_.” Magnus was looking at the girl with some sort of pride in his eyes. If Alec remembered right, he had been her babysitter, which was how he’d gotten close to the family.

“Oh, c’mon Magnus, I’ve been grown for a _while_ now,” she bit back, before throwing herself into Magnus’s arms, their laughter echoing in the hall.

“That might be true, but I’ll always see you as my little biscuit,” Magnus told her as he held her tightly.  

It was a lovely scene and all. If only, just as he had predicted, Alec didn’t feel entirely out of place in this tight-knit group of people he didn’t know.

“But let me introduce you to my boyfriend, Alec!”

That managed to cut Alec off from his reverie, and he reacted to Clary turning excitedly towards him with another smile.

“Hello! I’m Clary.” Her voice was very shrill. “I can’t wait to get to know you better. We’ll all have _so_ much fun together, you can be sure of it.”

Alec was nodding along, his cheeks starting to hurt. “Yeah, of course. Nice to meet you.”

“And I want you to meet _my_ boyfriend, Mag,” Clary told Magnus, a cheekiness in her smirk.

“My, my, a _boyfriend_. Won’t you look at you, all grown up indeed.” Magnus mimicked wiping tears off his cheeks, always the dramatic.   

But Clary’s attention had already shifted to a point behind Magnus’s head, where she was waving at someone. “Babe, we’re here!”

Jocelyn was looking in that direction too, a none-too pleased look on her face, from what Alec could tell. “Aren’t your brother and Simon coming too, Clary?” she asked her daughter pointedly.

“Yes,” Clary answered distractedly, “Jon’s looking for a parking spot while Simon has gone exploring.” Then she started jumping with excitement. “Magnus, meet Jace!” she declared, followed by a polite “Hello,” as the guy in question reached Clary’s side.

Alec froze. Literally. His entire body went from warm and alive to immobile and cold from one breath to the next. He might’ve just been flung into open space and drained of all oxygen, for all he knew, and at the same speed with which the newcomer’s eyes widened as soon as he registered Alec’s presence in front of him.

“Well, nice to meet you, Jace,” Magnus was telling him, a hand stretched out, entirely unaware that anything had gone wrong.

Because everything was back to normal a blink of an eye later, Alec’s blood circulating back into his limbs while Jace turned quickly towards Magnus to shake his hand. To shake Alec’s boyfriend hand.

“Nice – ehm, nice to meet you,” Jace replied.

“And this is Magnus’s boyfriend, Alec,” Clary told him then.

And there it was. The moment in which it’d be expected of them to say their polite greetings and shake hands…came and went. Perplexed, quite a few eyebrows arched up, so that Jace and Alec started talking over each other:

“We, uh–”

“I already–”

They stopped, both clearing their throats, looking anywhere but at each other. Jace turned in fact towards Clary, while Alec’s arms were crossed against his chest and his eyes fixed to the ground. His brain was a thick fog.

“We’ve already met,” he heard Jace give the explanation.  

“Oh, what a coincidence,” Magnus said, clearly surprised.

Alec could distinctly feel that he had his gaze on him, so he forced himself to straighten his head and look at his boyfriend. “Yeah, indeed,” he agreed, letting out some kind of robotic laugh. “We – we went to the same school, actually.”

“Really?” Clary asked, amused. “The world _is_ a small place, isn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Jace quickly jumped into the hilarity, “and it’s been quite a while, hasn’t it…Alec? So how – how _are_ you? How’s the family?”

Alec hoped no one else had noticed the catch in Jace’s voice as he said his name. “I’m fine. Everything’s great, everyone’s alright.” He gulped, eyes scanning the room as he struggled to think. “And you? Your parents?”

“Same. Everything’s cool.”

Alec nodded a few times, the corner of his lips turned forcefully upwards. Jace’s smile appeared to be more genuine, but he had always been a better faker anyway.

“Well, isn’t this a good start to the weekend, eh?” Luke’s voice came so suddenly that Alec almost jumped out of his skin. He clutched his arms a bit more tightly. “This is _perfect_ , we’re already all friends, and dinner is about to be served. Why don’t we all go freshen up and meet at the restaurant in about an hour, what do you say?”

Everyone agreed, in a quick succession of enthusiastic yeses and nods of heads. Alec didn’t know if he felt relieved, or what _else_ , merely following the motions by now.

“Again, I’m so glad you could come, Magnus.” Jocelyn was hugging Magnus once more.

“See you later!” Clary waved at him before Magnus could join him in going back to their suite.

Alec waved back on reflex. In doing so, his gaze inevitably met Jace’s behind Clary’s head, and he turned on his heels so quickly that he felt dizzy. His next steps were so heavy that the sound of his feet meeting the ground echoed loudly in his head.   

He hoped there would be a brutal murder at the resort, and that he was the cadaver.

* * *

“Is everything alright, darling?” Magnus asked him out of the blue.

Alec was putting away his things. He was being quiet, definitely, but he was never that talkative anyway, which is what he’d counted on. He knew there might’ve been a chance his behavior would still rung as odd to Magnus, but when they’d entered their room, there would’ve been _no_ way for him to be able to talk without screaming instead. Which was why he’d kept his mouth firmly shut, and why he now needed to act on his feet.

Alec looked up, his face eased into a relaxed expression – or at least, he hoped it was. “Yeah, sure. Why wouldn’t it be?”

“You look stiff. And you haven’t said anything about the room, at all.” Magnus pointed at the Champagne bottle on the coffee table, left untouched. “Are you having second thoughts about being here again? Is this about that guy…Clary’s boyfriend?”

Alec masked a flinch, painting only confusion on his face. “Of course not, why would _he_ have anything to do with anything? He’s just an old school mate.”

 _Just an old school mate_. His own brain was parroting him, sounding a lot like Clary.   

“Well, I know for experience they’re not always the most pleasant people to reencounter, especially when you hadn’t been expecting it. And he does kind of look like he might have been, you know, a school jerk.”

Alec snorted – he couldn’t help himself, as images of Jace’s punk phase crossed his mind. Then he shook himself off, starting to fold his clothes again to have something to do with his hands. Not that he didn’t want to look Magnus in the eyes, certainly. “Well, he kind of was, yeah. Never bothered me, though, so don’t worry about it. Plus,” he added after a pause, eyes staring into the distance, “I have no idea what kind of person he might be now.”

The realization that that was nothing but the truth came with a sharp pang.  

“True that,” Magnus agreed as he fell gracefully on the couch, where he stretched himself out not unlike a cat. “What kind of name is ‘Jace’, anyway? Sounds made up.”

Alec chuckled darkly. “Totally. But really, can you start getting ready instead of gossiping about someone unimportant? You _know_ that you take ages.”

“All of this,” Magnus pointed at all of himself, “takes work, my dear Alexander. I thought you appreciated it.” He raised a suggestive eyebrow.

Alec chuckled again, but that made him pause. What _was_ he doing?

A shirt fell from his hands, but he didn’t pay it any mind as he went to join Magnus on the couch. “I do.”

Magnus smiled, satisfied, before Alec bent down to kiss him.

Unimportant people _didn’t_ matter, he reminded himself. He just had to dry the sweat off his hands, stop his heart from hammering in his chest and his head from going into full panic mode. Because truly, there was _no_ reason for any of that. He would _not_ let anyone ruin his time – or his _life_ as a matter of fact – again.

* * *

“Good evening, and welcome to _La Bella Vita_. Your table’s this way,” a waiter told them as soon they stepped into the Italian restaurant of the resort.

They nodded at him, and he led them inside.

“Here they are! Fashionably late as always, I see, Magnus,” was Luke’s greeting as he noticed them approach, at which everyone else laughed.

“You know me,” Magnus replied with his usual confidence, flashing his pearly white teeth as he and Alec started looking for available seats.

The table was quite long and crowded, as other friends and relatives had joined the wedding party, but of course the two of them had been placed next to the youngsters. Magnus was technically a little older, having more than a decade on Clary and almost one on Alec, but Alec guessed their relationship made him younger by association, which only seemed to please Magnus. In this case, though, Alec would’ve preferred it a lot better if _he’d_ been considered older by association and sat closer to the bride and groom and their friends.

But he’d be asking far too much of the universe, to let him have one calm, stress-free evening. One when he didn’t have to look at Jace’s face all the time, because his dear _old school mate_ was seated opposite him.

“And this is my brother, Jonathan.”

It took Alec a moment too long to realize that Clary was talking to him, her finger pointed at the guy seated on Alec’s right. Another red-head, of course.

“Hey,” Jonathan said simply, raising his glass to him.

Alec did the same, adding a friendly nod, before taking a sip of what tasted like very expensive red wine. “You have the same name as…?” he asked without thinking, but it was as he looked at Jace and was about to say his name, that he realized that he still hadn’t said it out loud once, and he wasn’t planning on start doing it either.

“ _Yeah_ ,” Clary chuckled. “Let’s just say I’m glad he doesn’t go by it.”

“Definitely,” her brother agreed, but he sounded more sarcastic.

“Your actual name is Jonathan?” Magnus asked Jace curiously.

Jace shrugged. “Too stuffy, isn’t it?” he joked sending a smirk Jonathan’s way, who made a face at him. “I guess I still have to thank Alec for the nickname.”

Alec’s hand twitched around the glass. He couldn’t stop the glare he directed at Jace, but he managed to subtly cover it by taking another sip. (The night was starting well.)  

Jace at least had the decency to catch it. “It was _you_ who came up with it, right?” he made it sound casual. “In sixth grade?”

Alec shrugged. “Might be, maybe. I can’t remember.”

“Ah,” Jace nodded.

The silence that came after that had an awkward flavor, and it wasn’t just Alec who felt it. Magnus put a hand on his knee, clearly in a gesture of comfort…but that was the last thing Alec needed in that moment. He _needed_ to get away from that dinner as soon as possible.

As he thought that, though, annoyance build up in him. _No_. He was already forgetting himself and his resolve. What he truly needed was to remember that he had _every_ right to be there, the awkwardness be damned.

“It’s been such a _long_ time, who cares about it anyway?” Alec posed the question buoyantly, his voice louder and more confident, as he leaned back on his seat and put an arm around the back of Magnus’s chair.

Jace visibly followed the movement - _good_ \- but he didn’t say anything.

“Oh, _I_ love to think about my school days, don’t you agree, Clary?” a guy seated on Clary’s right joined the conversation, his face all bespectacled and full of dimples.

“True, you’re right, we had such a great time,” Clary smiled at him fondly.

“Well, that was like, _yesterday_ ,” Jonathan commented dryly.

“Oh, sod off, Jon,” Clary snapped at him with the most innocent of voices.

Jonathan put a hand on his heart. “Ah! You wound me, sister. Children shouldn’t say such vile things.”

“ _Fuck_ off, then.” And she stuck her tongue out at him.

The following laughter made the tension dissolve. The loudest was definitely Jace…always the show off. Alec switched his arm from the armrest to Magnus’s shoulders.

Magnus leaned readily into the touch. “And _now_ you’re making me feel old. Let’s change the subject, please!”

“By the way, this is my best friend, Simon,” Clary introduced the bespectacled guy to Alec.

“Cheers, best friend.” Alec raised his glass to him before he brought it to his mouth again. Expensive wine was truly the best.

“Oh, we’ll _definitely_ be best friends soon, don’t you worry, Alec!” Simon said, before leaning over the table and adding conspiratorially for the little group to hear, “I’ve got the good stuff, so get ready for a private celebration after the wedding. Away from the parents, you know.” He mustn’t have been of legal drinking age, since his glass _now_ was filled only with water, as was Clary’s.

“I’ll drink to that,” Jace shot back, before raising his glass enthusiastically. “To the party!”

Everyone followed his lead. “To the party!”

And they clinked their glasses. Alec was careful not to touch Jace’s, and he didn’t care if he noticed. _No_ , he hoped he did. Jace quickly downed his drink without giving any sign of anything, though. Not that it mattered either way.

“I see that you’re already celebrating over there!” Luke exclaimed from the other side of the table. “Just as I was about to give a speech…”

He had barely finished his sentence that a chant of “Speech! Speech! Speech!” grew among the guests.

“Alright, alright!” Luke laughed as he gave a kiss to his soon-to-be-wife and rose from the chair. “Firstly, I want to thank you all for being here, for being part of this special moment in mine and Jocelyn’s life. Most of you know,” he went on more soberly, “that it hasn’t been easy, getting here. For a long time, I thought I would never get to be with the woman of my dreams and form a family with her. But you know what? I was wrong in many ways. We’re already a family, and we have two beautiful children, Clary and Jonathan, which I couldn’t be prouder of.”

Everyone was smiling brightly, but none wider than Jocelyn and Clary, who were looking at Luke with tears glistening in their eyes. Even Jonathan, no matter his tougher exterior, had fondness spelled on his face, for his step-father and his words.

Alec could’ve been uncomfortable again, but instead he was glad. A part of him felt truly grateful that he had found himself among genuine people, witnessing one of their most joyful times, even though he was barely more than a stranger. Something was indeed being moved inside of him, so that he felt the need to cover Magnus’s hand, still on his knee, with his free one.

His traitorous eyes acted on their own volition, though; they couldn’t seem to help taking a glimpse at what was in front of him. Clary had her arms wrapped around Jace’s bicep and was listening intently with her head leaned on Jace’s shoulder. Jace seemed to be perfectly comfortable with that, holding her hand back, caressing it with his fingers. He looked serene, a sight that made Alec’s forehead furrow in…he wasn’t entirely sure.  

But it still didn’t mean that it was a bad situation. It was simply life, going on. And Alec could’ve _easily_ joined in on the happy feelings spreading throughout the table like a gentle breeze.

“To the rest of our lives together!” Luke finished his speech.

“To the happy couple!” the crowd answered.

He could have…but he _couldn’t,_ not entirely, no matter all the lies he told himself. A person-shaped hole in his chest wouldn’t let him.

* * *

 “Why don’t we all go outside for a walk? It’s such a beautiful night,” Clary suggested, like Alec feared she would, while people, their stomachs fuller than they were hours ago, had started rising from their seats.

 “A splendid idea, Clary,” Jace told her, which made her open up in a wide smile.

Alec bit his lower lip. _A splendid idea, my ass_.

“I’m dying to see the pavilion, it must be a _wonder_ ,” Magnus added emphatically, and Alec was now bound.

“Sure, let’s go,” he agreed with an inward sigh.

Alec didn’t know what to think of the little group that still stuck together outside of the restaurant, entirely unnecessarily. However, now that he’d eaten enough amazing food and drank a bit too much wine, making him feel a little lightheaded, he cared far less, and he could finally shake himself of that nauseous feeling that had crippled him at the start of dinner. He was being sentimental and stupid, as always. He’d been taken off guard, nothing more. If he just put some distance between himself and his boyfriend from the rest of these people, even just for that night, he’d be fine. Back full-force into his new normal.

He impulsively grabbed Magnus’s hand, picking up speed so that Magnus had to struggle a bit to keep up with his longer strides. “So where’s this pavilion? I hope it’s not too chilly.”

“Easy, easy, someone’s eager.” Magnus’s laugh was a thrill. “I think it’s that way.”

Something in Alec’s expression must’ve spelled out his intentions, because the others refrained from following them further. One goal achieved. The sooner they realized they weren’t all going to become best friends, the better.

Soon, they reached the pavilion, illuminated by strings of fairy lights, starkly resembling the stars visible in the sky. Nothing shone brighter than the moon, though, whose reflection on the water wasn’t too far away from them. It was all perfectly romantic, like a scene out of a movie, and Magnus went crazy for stuff like that. As a matter of fact, his eyes were glowing with wonder.

Alec took both Magnus’s hands and faced him directly. “Hey, uhm…thank you for bringing me here. You were right, it’s amazing. I hope you’re having as much a good time as you hoped you would?”   

Magnus’s smile had nothing of the affectation he often displayed for other people. He looked simply, honestly happy. “With _you_ , I always have the best of times. I hope _you’re_ not feeling too much unease?”

Alec shook his head before he had even finished. “No. This is perfect.”

And he kissed him under the moonlight, with the soundtrack of soft waves crashing against the shore and the sweet smell of flowers filling up their noses. His hands might’ve still been sweating a little, but he ignored them.

Later, as they were tangled together under smooth, silk sheets, if he kept his face buried – hidden – against Magnus’s neck a bit more than he ought to, it was of little consequence just as well. 

 _(I could lie, say I like it like that,_   _like it like that)_


	2. Can't afford to

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the day of the wedding of his brand-new girlfriend's parents, and Jace is a mess. Of all places, of all possible circumstances, this was how he got to see Alec Lightwood again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is here! I did tell you it would take a while, but I am continuing this fic ;) And this chapter actually turned out much longer (double the first one) and crazier (I was like o.o at myself) than I thought it'd be, but that's the beauty of it I guess. Hope you still enjoy it!

“…you may now kiss the bride.”

Claps erupted as the newlyweds shared their first kiss as husband and wife.

Jace joined along in the same absentminded fashion with which he had followed the entire ceremony. It had definitely something to do with the pills he’d forgotten at home, damn his idiocy. They’d stay there for just another day, though, so he should still be fine without them, right? He’d just miss a few doses for crying out loud. He was fine.   

No, it had less to do with his missing pills and more with the couple sitting two rows behind him. He couldn’t even see them, but his hands constantly fiddled with the hem of his jacket to stifle the need to turn around. Where he _knew_ he would meet a pair of sharp hazel eyes, which right now were burning holes in the back of Jace’s head. He could _feel_ it.

Of all places, of all possible circumstances, _this_ was how he got to see Alec Lightwood again? At the wedding of his brand-new girlfriend’s parents?

Talk of twists of luck. Jace still wasn’t sure which way the wheel had turned.

But maybe it was up to _him_. This might be the way the universe had to tell him to step up and make good use of this chance. After all, the day ahead of them would be long and full of less-than-sober people too busy partying to pay them any mind. Maybe Jace _could_ manage to get a moment alone with Alec.

To tell him _what_ , though? He wouldn’t even know where to start, or if Alec would want to listen to him in the first place. Why _would_ he, right? Jace Herondale didn’t matter to him anymore, he had made that abundantly clear a long time ago.

Alec was also still pissed at him. _Hated_ him, better yet. 

Still, it _must_ have meant something that they were both there, out of an infinite number of possible outcomes, right? That was why Jace needed to think _very_ carefully of what he wanted to say to him, in case he’d have a chance to say it.

And it was with a puzzle of words being put together, with a lot of struggle, in his mind that Jace started following the wedding party towards the bar area, as the newlyweds were shipped away to take their photos. No wonder that it took him a while to realize that Clary had taken his hand and was talking animatedly to him.

“…beautiful wedding you’ve ever seen?”

“Uh, sorry, what?”

Clary rolled her eyes, but didn’t seem any more bothered about his inattention. “I just asked you, don’t you think it was the best wedding ever? They must be so happy right now.”

Clary was looking up at him with that glint in her eyes, which usually meant a painting of her parents’ wedding was already on her to-do list. Her face lit up especially in those cases, the freckles on her skin jumping out starker in contrast.

She was truly beautiful, as well as intelligent, kind, funny and overall amazing. She had brought a ray of sunshine into this godawful year of Jace’s life.

So _why_ wasn’t he in love with her yet?

Stifling a sigh, while smiling instead, he answered, “I’m sure they are. They’re also lucky to have had _you_ as the wedding planner.”  

And just to see her smile brighten even more, it was worth it – and he’d get there. Eventually.

* * *

“C’mon, let’s go look for our seats,” Clary said, jumping down from her bar stool. “Thanks to _my_ input, every table is named after a famous artist! We’re at the Van Gogh.”

“Oh, I’d like to go there,” Jace quipped.  

Simon, who had joined them at some point, shook his head with a click of his tongue. “You _really_ need to work on your puns, golden boy. I can’t have Clary go out with someone so outrageously dorky.”

Jace side-eyed him. “And look _who_ is talking, Mr. Suave, is it?”

“It’s what I’m saying! There’s only one spot in Clary’s life for the incredibly-adorable dork role. That’s already filled.”

“Simon, please.” Clary was giggling. “Jace is more adorable than you.”

Simon gasped. “Ah! Betrayal!”

“Hey!” Jace yelled, “I think you’re mistaking me for someone else. Try again, Jace is _hot as hell_.”

He passed his fingers through his carefully slicked-back hair to prove his point, but he only earned a roar of laughter from the other two. He pouted.

“Alright, my adorable hotty, if you say so,” Clary said, patting his cheek.

“I do say so, and if I were you I’d _watch_ my back when thinking otherwise,” Jace threatened, pointing his finger at her.

She only giggled some more. “Noted. But really, let’s go.”

Shaking his head, but with a smile playing on his lips, Jace finished his drink in one gulp and left it on the counter. Then, as he stood up, he gave a quick glance at his surroundings, and of _course_ in his line of sight would appear no less than Alec and Magnus, standing close to one another slightly apart from the rest of the guests. Jace had almost forgotten that they were there, and the reminder made his stomach plummet to the floor.

Clary had noticed them too, and she immediately walked up to them, dragging him along. “Hey, guys! We’re going inside, are you coming with us? Spoiler alert, you’re at our same table…I hope that’s okay, we thought you’d rather sit with us than with my grandparents.”

“Obviously, my dear,” Magnus told her cheerfully.

Alec, hands shoved deep in his pockets in a relaxed posture, simply nodded as the trio got closer to the two of them.

Only a few feet separated him from Jace now. For all Jace knew, though, a thick wall stood in between them…or a one-way mirror. Alec had in fact not given any sign he’d noticed he was there at all – not that Jace would expect anything else – but at least that gave Jace a way to subtly study him.

Alec looked different. If he didn’t know it was impossible – it hadn’t been _that_ long since they’d last seen each other, unlike what they’d let the others believe – Jace would even say he’d grown taller. Alec held himself straighter, maybe that was why, and he looked firmer, more secure in himself. He seemed to have grown into the man Jace had always thought he would be, and he’d _become_ that man in the time they’d been apart.

It was hard to see. No, it was positively _painful_ , because Jace could not find anything, nothing at all, for how hard he looked, that disproved what he’d always thought; that Alec would be far better without him.

Jace had to swallow hard, sensing, to his greatest horror, a slight itch build in his eyes. That wouldn’t do, not at all. If Alec had moved on so spectacularly well, he _couldn’t_ be showing anything less. _He_ , too, had come a long way, and even if Alec didn’t care to know that, Jace did. A _lot_. Even if he wished he didn’t, it was still too important to him that Alec knew who he was and had become. So no matter all the walls he might have to bring down and the muddled waters he’d have to walk into, he _had_ to break through to Alec. It might not be _fair_ , maybe it _would_ be him just being stubborn and stupid, when he really should just leave the past where it belonged…but _when_ had he ever done what he should?

Only one, terrible time, an action that had cost him _everything_ – his home, his peace of mind, his heart – and that, quite frankly, had been enough for him. If _this_ time he managed to keep Alec in his life, he would much appreciate it.

But hadn’t he _just_ thought that Alec seemed to be doing much better without him?

Shit. For the life of him, Jace didn’t know what to think. What to _do_. His heart was beating fast, torn and cracking, while the barrier in front of him seemed more and more like a chasm swallowing him whole. Alec walked right over it, _past_ him _,_ as if he _actually_ didn’t see him.

 _This is what you get_ , a cruel voice spoke in Jace’s mind, sounding a lot like him, _for ever believing you could be worthy of me._

Fuck. No, he wouldn’t be going _there_ …but that was the center of everything, wasn’t it? Forget the universe and any imagined signs; no matter what he did or might do, that was the truth. He could never change the past. _Nothing_ could unmake him and Alec the strangers they were now, _none_ of the years they’d been closer than any person alive would ever, _ever_ come back again. Because they hadn’t been as close as Jace had thought they were.

_“I can’t do this anymore, Jace! It’s not fair to me, I just can’t!”_

He remembered every inflection, every pause or break in Alec’s voice as he’d said the words that would end everything. Now, as they’d been back then, they were just as final.   

So what _else_ could Jace do then, besides what he always did best; he shoved them back down, deep inside his mind, and stepped around the elephant in the room just as Alec had done, forcing his most charming-Jace persona on instead.

 _Old school mates_ , wasn’t it? Well then, that was the game he’d be playing, and thank god that playing he knew how to do well.

It wouldn’t even be too hard to do, because everyone else was also being obnoxiously cheerful and carefree, their chatter loud and easy. Alec remained the quieter, but he didn’t smile any less, as he went to sit close to Magnus at their Van Gogh table, and didn’t refrain from taking part in the conversations, seemingly unbothered by anything and anyone.

Alec _always_ used to be bothered by something at _least_ …

Okay, maybe it wouldn’t be _that_ easy. Jace had to force himself not to think of when _he_ was the only thing Alec wasn’t ever bothered by.

* * *

He definitely wasn’t at the top of his game. He let his mask fall too often, and his performance had too many cracks in it, so that Clary ended up asking him if he was okay quite a few times. He surely wasn’t, alright. All the time they spent waiting for the newlyweds to arrive, he felt far too close to hell for comfort, even _worse_ than the evening before. At that first dinner he’d been still too shocked to truly comprehend the situation, and he’d been able to play it mostly cool. Now, though, he was all too aware, and he could _barely_ stand it.

Thankfully, what seemed like an eternity later, the meal, the _alcohol_ finally gave him the fuel he needed. Clary might not like him getting drunk at her parents’ wedding, but hey, he was only a man, and she better get used to it sooner rather than later. They _had_ met at a club, hadn’t they?

Jace leaned his elbows on the table. “So Magnus, what do you do, exactly?” _What_? No, he hadn’t meant to talk to him. Bad alcohol, _bad_. But it was too late.

Magnus turned towards him, unable to mask his surprise at being addressed by him. Understandable, since Jace hadn’t said more than a few words to him the night before. Also, Jace suddenly realized, Magnus most likely didn’t have a good opinion of him. He seriously doubted Alec had told his boyfriend much about their true past, considering how determined he seemed to not let out that they were once anything more than schoolmates, but if he’d just mentioned a few things about Jace to cover up their school days…Jace doubted it’d been nice things.

“I’m a lawyer,” Magnus answered him graciously.

Jace made an impressed face. “Wow, now _that_ is something. You must be _rich_.” Alec shot a clearly displeased glare at him. _Now_ he noticed him? Fuck that. And he could talk to whoever he wanted to. When Clary elbowed him none-too subtly, though, he couldn’t ignore the warning. “No offence, obviously.”

Magnus shook his head. “None taken. And I guess I get around fine, it _can_ be a very rewarding job.”

He was Alec’s perfect type. College graduate. Diplomatic at annoying levels. High enough in social class to be approved of even by Alec's demanding and slightly homophobic parents. Nothing to say, really.

“What about you?” Magnus asked him.

Jace picked up a spoon and started twirling it between his fingers. “Oh, nothing much. I own a coffee truck.”

“You… _what_?” came Alec’s voice, uncharacteristically loud.

That outburst might have sounded almost comical…to anyone who wasn’t Jace. _Sorry to disappoint you_ , he couldn’t avoid that thought, dripping with bitterness. _Sorry for being a screw up_.

Jace shrugged. “You know, it gets me around.”

Alec opened his mouth, but he quickly closed it shut. He may have felt curious enough to want to ask for more details – like what had happened to Jace’s dream of becoming a policeman – but god forbid he _showed_ any actual interest, now, didn’t he? Of course not.

Alec’s shocked reaction must’ve appeared a little offensive to the others as well, actually, because Clary crossed her arms in clear annoyance, and even Magnus glanced warningly at Alec before hurrying up to say, “That sounds very cool. How did you get such an idea?”

“Oh, it _is_ very cool, you have no idea!” Simon jumped in enthusiastically, an unexpected mediator. “It’s the most _fuck it, I do whatever I want_ thing I’ve ever seen in my life! Like, you know how when society tells us to ‘follow our dreams’, the dreams are always expected to be this big, extraordinary thing? Well, my man Jace here gave everyone the middle finger and said, ‘I dream of helping people but I’m doing it _my_ way” and man, have I ever seen anyone so happy to make people less un-happy by making them coffee!”

…that wasn’t anything he’d ever expected to hear. Jace flushed bright red, he must’ve had, as he stared at Simon’s eager face with widened eyes. Had he really made such an impression on him? Sure, they’d become quite good friends since he’d started dating Clary, but _this_? And Clary looked so proud too, as if the fact that a truck bore the name “Java Jace” was the biggest accomplishment anyone had ever had in history. Even _Jonathan_ seemed pleased.

Jace didn’t dare look at the _rest_ of the people at the table. This was ridiculous, he had done nothing remarkable. Sure, he was mostly happy about his job and his life now, after letting go of all the unrealistic expectations and the unneeded pressure, but he had never intended for the truck to be any such honorable statement. It had simply given him peace, stability, and a purpose much unlike the one he’d had in the past, because it implied him just _being_ , and not always aspiring to be something else.

But it was still nothing _Alec_ would ever look at with pride.

_Of all the great things that you could’ve accomplished, you lowered yourself to this?_

That was what Alec must’ve been thinking, what he would’ve surely said out loud if they’d been alone. Jace _couldn’t_ bring himself to look at him.

He had to cover up this mess. He started laughing very loudly. “Jeez, Simon. Read too much _Hunger Games_ lately, haven’t you?”

“Don’t be like that, Jace.” Clary wasn’t making the situation any easier, with her voice all comforting and sweet. “You should be proud of yourself.”

“She’s right,” Magnus had to comment too, “people underestimate how important it is to find what makes us happy in life.”

What was this…why was everyone being so nice and reasonable all of a sudden? Jace couldn’t stand it anymore, and of course he couldn’t stop himself from sneaking a glance at Alec any longer, and god, was he even more confused. Because Alec’s face was simply, utterly _unreadable_ , which frustrated him to no end, considering how he’d used to be able to pick up his every thought. Now, he had no idea, none at all. Alec’s eyes were slightly wider than normal, his forehead furrowed, but what did it all _mean_? Did he approve of his life choices or not?

Goddamn, he seriously needed to _stop_ looking for his approval. Like, _now_. He was _sweating_ , even though he’d long said goodbye to his tie and jacket, and he had unbuttoned his shirt almost to his chest. And where had his glass ended _up,_ for fuck’s sake? Oh, there it was. Empty. Better remedy that.  

 “Are _your_ studies going well, biscuit?” Magnus suddenly asked Clary, as if nothing of importance had just been said.

 _Thank_ fuck. They must’ve finally understood he was feeling uncomfortable, and he couldn’t be any more grateful for the following discussion about art and college, which diverted the attention away from him.

Then someone just _had_ to go and ask Alec about his graduation.

“What did you major in?” Jonathan, of all people, the one who never gave a shit about anyone else, was the culprit.

“Business,” Alec said.

“Now _that_ sounds boring,” Simon joked. In his case, nobody got offended, wonder why.

“Well, it kind of is.” Alec shrugged, but he was smirking. “But I specialized in sustainability consulting. At least I do something to help the environment.”

Simon raised his arms up. “Of _course_ you do. And I bet you graduated top of your class, you just look like the type.”

Sure he had, as Jace had always known he would. Remembering Alec’s graduation wasn’t easy, though… the culmination of all his hard work, a moment when Alec should’ve been at his happiest, yet no smile could be seen on him as he’d walked up to receive his diploma. Jace had been sitting in the very last raw, wearing dark glasses and a hat, hoping no one would notice his presence. No one had. Still, he could’ve very well had been the one to have gone up and yanked the smile away from Alec’s face.

He looked up, and their eyes met, his and Alec’s, for the briefest of moments, over the table full of flowers. And just like that, Jace _knew_ that Alec had been thinking back to that same moment. Something dark in his eyes told him that. And Alec still didn’t know that Jace had been there, because Jace had preferred to let him believe that he would ever miss such an important day for him. _It’s for the best_ , Jace had told himself over and over again as reasoning, so much so that he’d managed to convince himself it’d been the right thing to do. Now, as he watched the easiness that Alec had displayed up until then wash away from him like mud in the rain, guilt came crawling at the insides of Jace’s throat.

_I can’t do anymore this, Jace!_

Alec hadn’t _wanted_ him there, though! He couldn’t have, not after everything. Jace must’ve been imagining things. After all, if there had _ever_ been any doubt that Alec still wanted him in his life, things wouldn’t be like this. It _had_ been for the best, because Jace would have never been able to live with himself if he hadn’t gone, while Alec _had_ clearly lived with himself after seeing him not go.  

“Yes, and we’re all _so_ proud of him,” Magnus said eagerly.

Jace almost jumped in surprise. He’d completely forgotten about the actual conversation. Wait, but Magnus…he _hadn’t_ been at Alec’s graduation, had he? They couldn’t have already known each other. Had they? Or had Alec already known him… _before_?

Wait. It must’ve been the alcohol, or his still missing pills, or everything else, but Jace could feel his mind starting to spiral down a dangerous drain. He was _that_ close to ask his questions aloud, or to start accusations that would only make things even worse. Still, he had to know. _Needed_ to. Now…

“I didn’t have the privilege to know him at that point,” Magnus went on, unprompted.  Bless that man. _Not really_. But bless him. “Everyone told me he was phenomenal at his final dissertation, though.”

 _Duh_. _You wouldn’t sound this surprised if you actually knew him._ Jace filled his glass again, and downed it. Okay, but now he needed to know more. How could he get around to it…?

“Oh, Magnus, I don’t think you’ve told me how you two met! Please, I’m _dying_ to know,” Clary said. Bless that woman and whoever created her. Jace should really go kiss her mother as a thank you right now. Or maybe not. Maybe later. Or maybe just kiss Clary. Also later.

Magnus lit _right_ up, as if he hadn’t been waiting for anything else but the chance to tell that story. “You wouldn’t _believe_ , it was just the best luck I’ve ever had in my life! I was having the most terrible day at work, so I went to my usual feel-good coffee shop, you know, and what did the waiter do if not switch up my order with that of the very handsome guy I was eyeing in the corner? The perfect ice breaker…literally! Or I wouldn’t have thought of approaching him, he was looking rather moody. Right, darling?”

He'd wanted to laugh at most of that cheesy story, but that last thing made Jace almost spit out his drink. Had he really heard… _darling_? And Alec hadn’t punched him yet?

No, Alec only nodded. A little stiffly, but he smiled, too. Un- _fucking_ -believable.  

“Oh really?” Simon said, smirking. “ _This_ Alec, moody?”

Alec straightened himself a bit further on the chair. “I’ll have you _know_ that I’m the life of the party.”

That was it. Jace burst out laughing, uncontrollably and so loudly that everyone started staring at him.

Alec crossed his arms, scoffing. “What, do you have anything to say to me, Jace?!”

A thrill shot up in him, and only a moment later did Jace realize that it was because Alec had said his name aloud. For the first time since they’d been there. He mustn’t have even noticed he’d done it, but he _had_ , as casually and in the same would-be-but-not-really exasperated tone he would often use with him. It was exhilarating. “I was just imagining _you_ as the life of the party…would _love_ to see that before I die, Mr. Gramps.”

“Ha, ha. Very funny,” Alec deadpanned, and Jace could _feel_ he wanted to stick out his tongue at him. Once upon a time, he would have. _He_ almost did it himself. He _wanted_ to.

“How _was_ Alec in school?” Magnus jumped in, a new mischievous glint in his eyes. Maybe he wasn’t all bad. “He always refuses to say anything, and he forbade his sister to spill.” 

“Good ol’ Izzy!” Jace leaned back against his chair. “You must be holding something over her head, then.”

“My sister would never betray me,” Alec bit back.  

He was clearly still joking. Jace felt it anyway, the hit. _So wouldn’t I!_ He suddenly wanted to shout back, if it weren’t for the sliver of self-restrain he still surprisingly had.

“What is all this secrecy?” Simon sounded excited.

Alec rolled his eyes. Oh. The things Jace would’ve never thought he’d miss. “Please. There is no secrecy, I just don’t look back, you know? It’s bad for your health…just like Jace’s punk phase. I wished you’d seen _that_.”

“Ah!” Jace couldn’t help the sound of surprise that escaped him, as the others started inevitably to laugh.  

“No… _way_.” Clary was already doubled over, holding her stomach.

“Please, _please_ ,” Simon begged between hiccups, “tell me he had a _mohawk_.” 

“It was _blue_ ,” Alec stated, monotone.  

It killed them. Simon started howling. Magnus was wheezing. Clary looked ready to faint from lack of oxygen, and Jonathan had his head on the table, hands banging on it. 

Alec looked very pleased with himself. He hadn’t even moved an inch.

“Well played, Lightwood.” Jace nodded in respect. “Well played.”

As everyone collapsed around them, he wanted so much to be able to join them, too. In any other circumstance, he would’ve, as he was always the first one to laugh at his past craziness. Alec had given him hell for that mohawk even back then, and Jace had honestly kept it more than he would’ve liked to just to rile him up. But they weren’t looking at each other now, him and Alec. The show Alec had put on wasn’t meant for _them_ , after all. Far from it. Jace remained still.

“Now you have to retaliate,” Magnus was the first one to talk, after everyone had reemerged. “C’mon, I think Alec’s earned a good embarrassment.”

Jace shrugged. “There’s really nothing to tell. Alec’s always been a model student.”

“Nah, I don’t believe that even for a second!” Jonathan said. “Everyone has a dark side. Or is at least a klutz. C’mon, we’re waiting.” 

Jace glimpsed at Alec, who was trying to hide his nervousness. Why, though? He had no reason to be nervous, he had always been perfect. Okay, maybe he had been a little shy and awkward, but there was nothing to laugh about that. And what did he think Jace would say, really? If he thought he’d say anything to expose what he didn’t want the others to know, he didn’t know Jace at all.

“Well?” Simon urged him.

“What? C’mon, I can only say that he wasn’t the life of the party. More like a stick on two legs, that was him on the dance floor.”

“I knew it!” Magnus said. “I knew I had to make you dance today. I totally will.”

“Wha – absolutely not!” Alec rebuked.

“Absolutely yes! Please, Alexander…”

Jace did another double-take. _Now_ they’d got to be shitting him! _Alexander? Seriously, Alec?!_

“There’s _no_ way, forget about it.” Alec was starting to sound pissed.  

Still baffled, but amused, Jace muttered none-too-quietly, “Good luck with that, dude.”

“Shut up, Jace,” Alec cut him off, not even looking at him. 

Oh, yeah? That was his game? Then... “Make me.”

Alec froze. A moment of silence passed, before he turned his head, in slow-motion. “Come again?”

“That’s all you've got?” Jace smirked. “I _said_ , make me shut up.”

The air seemed to crackle, as they stared at each other, unblinking. 

“Uuuuhh,” Simon even echoed, eyes wide, but Clary slapped him on the arm.

“C’mon, guys,” Clary said loudly, placing a hand on Jace's shoulder. “This is really not a high school hallway.”

“Yeah, we’re just joking here,” Magnus added, laughing nervously. 

“What? So are we. _Aren’t_ we, Alec, old mate?” Jace raised his eyebrows.

Alec’s eyes turned into slits for a just moment, before he leaned back, loosening his shoulders. “Tsk. You just know you can’t win against me. I’m taller than you.”

“Middle school come back? Wow.” Jace clapped slowly. “But wait, you weren’t taller than me in middle school.”

Alec made a face. “Same thing.”

Jace scoffed. “Tall or not, I can kick your ass any time.”

“You _wish_.”

Jace opened his mouth, who was morphing into a smile despite himself. And there was a lot more he wanted to say, but the others seemed to finally relax, as it became clear they weren’t gonna fight for real. But the thing was, Jace almost wished they did. He’d be able to get closer to Alec, then. Get him one on one.

He closed his mouth back shut, shaking his head. This wasn’t getting anywhere. And they were only at the first course…he was already exhausted by this game.

* * *

They didn’t talk anymore after that. Clearly, it wouldn’t take much more than a spark to set them off, and they’d better avoid that, as there was too much unspoken between them that they’d rather keep for themselves. The resulting agreement to ignore each other was even more implicit. 

Thankfully, either Simon, Clary or Magnus took the spotlight in the conversations, and the party was progressing anyway. Jocelyn and Luke came by to say hi a few times, glowing with happiness, if a bit exhausted. Meanwhile, all the wedding traditions were being followed, from the launch of the bouquet – Clary didn’t catch it, but she didn’t mind too much – to the embarrassing speeches to the bride and groom smashing cake on each other’s faces.

Jace was glad he mostly managed to tune out the hours passing by. And maybe, just maybe, he might get to the next day, when everything would be over, when he’d get back home to his normal life…when he would try to forget Alec all over again.

Not that he’d ever succeeded thus far, certainly. Everyday, hating himself for it, a part of him was always, inevitably on the lookout for a tall head of messy hair towering over his clients at the coffee truck. Everyday, that part of him ended up being disappointed, but never failed to come back the next day. Recently, though, it had just been a white noise at the back of his mind, something he could ignore if he wanted to. Now, he couldn’t help but _fear_ what it’d be like coming back from this barely-more-than-24 hours around Alec. Back to square one? God, he wouldn’t survive that…

It was time for the couple’s first dance. All romantic and shit. Clary got emotional all over again, which he could understand, after everything she’d told him about the life they’d had with her crappy dad. And _he_ had thought his dad to be kind of disappointing, with all his work travels and the impossible things he’d always demanded from him. Now, though, Jace had to admit that at least his father had always loved him, and after a while had actually managed to accept the life his son had now – simple, but good. Stephen was even helping him find a place on his own, and soon he might be able to finally move out from his parents’ basement - even though he could bet his mother wouldn’t mind him staying a bit longer.

Jace sighed. That was the kind of thoughts he’d resorted himself to have at such a boring party. And thinking of his mother…he couldn’t not wonder about what she would say, if she knew _who_ was at this party. She would flip, most likely. She would want him to get as far away as possible from Alec, and she wouldn’t even be that wrong. After all, she had been the one to stitch his hand after he’d ended up smashing a glass window.

Yeah, he should probably hug his mother a bit more, for all he’d put her through.

“C’mon, Jace, let’s dance!” Clary had grabbed his hand without him noticing again.

He didn’t protest, though, as she dragged him to the dance floor. It was getting dark outside, which meant soon they might be free to go around the resort to find something actually cool to do. Or anything else, really. Hadn’t Simon mentioned he had booze? Jace was feeling too sober already. Or maybe him and Clary could go back to their room and have their own private party…all this angst and conflicting thoughts had made him distracted, and he wasn’t paying much attention to her. She was his girlfriend, he _had_ to be better than that. He’d make it up to her.  

So there was really no reason not to dance with her. He quite liked it, actually. The lights had been darkened and they could stay really close. She smelled good, even after all these hours. When he kissed her, he could feel her smile… _this_ was how this entire trip should’ve been like, about the two of them, getting closer, and damn everything else.

“Hey, think we can get out of here ahead of time?” he whispered in her ear – actually, shouted to be heard over the music.

She looked fondly at him. “Oh, you. Not _quite_ yet. Simon really wants us all to get together later. And this is fun, c’mon! Make me twirl.”

He did just that, laughing as she did. “Alright, but just because it’s you! You really wouldn’t want to miss all _this_ , though.”

He made a twirl himself, showing off as usual, and Clary giggled excitedly. “I sure wouldn’t. You’re _such_ a flirt.” She grabbed the collars of his shirt, leaving only a few inches between their bodies. “You’re lucky my family is all here.”

“Mm, should I feel scared? Or turned on?”

“Both.”

They kissed again, and it was definitely not something exactly family-friendly. They even heard someone – sounding a lot like Jonathan – clear their throat next to them, and they had to reluctantly break apart. At least the music had slowed down by that point, and they could keep holding each other, swaying slowly on the spot. This was nice, and Jace even closed his eyes. 

“Oh, look,” Clary snickered against his neck. “Magnus is still trying to convince Alec to dance with him. Poor thing, that’s a lost cause if I see one.”

Damn it. Jace managed to keep his face and body as neutral and still as possible, but Clary really _had_ to go and say the very thing that would’ve burst their bubble, didn’t she?!

“If he doesn’t want his feet stomped on, he should probably let it go,” Jace commented dryly.

It mustn’t have exactly come out as the joke he’d meant it to be. Clary disentangled herself from him, sounding really crossed as she spoke, “ _Why_ are you being like this, Jace? Yesterday, too! I rarely see you so confrontational, if someone isn’t being a proper asshole. What is it that you have against Alec?!”

“What–” Jace clenched his jaw. “What makes you think I have something against him?”

“Jace, I haven’t been born yesterday.” _Well_ … “It’s clear there’s beef between you two. You can barely stand to be in the same room! What did you even do to him at school?”

“Oh, so _I_ must be the one who did something, aren’t I?” Jace took his arms off of her, and he was already taking several steps back.

“I’m not…how could I possibly _know_? You barely talk about your past, Jace! You say you like being with me because you can just live in the present, but we can’t just keep going on like this, can we? I’ve told you so much, when you barely share anything about yourself! Even that you ever had a stupid mohawk!” She paused. She was breathing heavily. “Do you even… _like_ being with me?”

“Why would I even _be_ here if…?”

Jace passed a hand through his hair, staring helplessly at the ground. How the hell had they ended up fighting about their relationship? They were finally having a nice moment! And now they were basically shouting in the middle of the dance floor, with Clary’s relatives craning their necks to see what was going on. As soon as they started noticing the tears in her eyes, he was done for. But it wasn’t even his fault, goddammit!

For once, he needed to be the defuser, though, be it his fault or not. That had always been his problem, hadn’t it? He was the bomb, always ready to explode. Not anymore.

“Hey, hold on.” Jace tried to get closer to her. She looked ready to pounce on him, but he gently took her hands anyway. “This is not the place to have this conversation. Let’s go take a walk, what do you think?”

She hesitated a long, tense moment, her eyes searching him for something he didn’t know, before she finally nodded. She even let him hold her hand as they started walking away and towards the exit. Jace met Simon’s worried eyes on the way, and he tried to reassure him. Simon didn’t look totally convinced, but he didn’t stop them either.

The air outside had its soothing effect on Clary, because it wasn’t long before she seemed much calmer. “I’m _so_ sorry, Jace. I don’t know what came into me, that was totally unfair.”

“It’s okay.” Jace stopped walking, facing her directly. “You’re right, I haven’t been entirely honest with you. But I _do_ like you, a lot, and I do want us to…evolve, as a couple, of course I want that. There are just…things from my past that I’d like to forget, that aren’t as important anymore, but that doesn’t mean you don’t know me, okay?”

Clary still looked somewhat reluctant, but she nodded again, as she rubbed her eyes. “What about Alec?”

Jace had to stop himself from getting worked up all over again. “Why are you _still_ going on about this? Look, okay,” Jace bit the inside of his cheeks, trying to think quickly of how much he wanted to tell her. Thinking about why he had never told her in the first place, too. “Alec and I didn’t just go to the same school. We were actually friends. _Very_ good friends. You could even say…best friends.”

“I _knew_ it.” Clary crossed her arms, but she looked pleased with herself. “I was telling Simon the same thing, I could feel there was something more to it! So what…why aren’t you friends anymore?”

Jace shook his head. “That’s just – it doesn’t matter, alright? We just…grew apart, I guess.” The lie, which wasn’t entirely a lie, tasted foul on his tongue. “That’s what happens in most cases, isn’t it? Not everyone can be you and Simon.”

“That is true.” Clary paused, looking contemplative. “But I do feel sorry, about you losing a friend. It couldn’t have been easy.”

Jace put on a smile. What else could he do? Everything else was not an acceptable option. “Can we please get back to the dance floor now?”

“But wait! Don’t you think you should maybe try to be friends with him again?”

“Wh – _what_? Are you kidding me?”

“Why not? Doesn’t it seem funny to you, that you found each other here after all this time?” God, why were his own thoughts being thrown back at him by his clueless girlfriend? That wasn’t fair. “I know that might sound tacky to you, but doesn't it look a bit like...fate to you? Or at the very least, if it _is_ something that’s still bothering you, isn't it worth a try to talk to him? And what do you know, maybe not everything is lost.”

Jace closed his eyes for a moment. No, this wasn't just unfair, it was positively _cruel_ , both for him to hear it and for her to be saying that. Him, it only fueled that stubborn, hopeful part of him which kept being disappointed over and over again. Her, she really had no idea what she was talking about, and if she knew the whole story, she wouldn’t be saying that. “I – please, can we drop the subject? I’m not here to mend the past, I just, I wanted to have fun, remember?”

“Alright, alright…" She made a pregnant pause. "Don’t say I didn’t tell you, though.”  
  
The longest fucking day. And what was he, if not a weak, terrible man?  

It was too late for him anyway. That cruel hope had already, irreversibly, been sparked in him, and right next to a new kind of guilt. If so far he’d thought his relationship with Clary to be a good, easy thing - they’d had fun, they’d cared for each other, with no ugliness, nothing heavy to carry around - he couldn't delude himself any longer. Because what Clary had said had a truth to it...realistically speaking, how long could they last if he didn’t start to open up to her? He hadn’t given too much thought to it – too determined to separate his life in two distinctive, unconnected parts, the _before_ and the _after_ – but now he should maybe start to admit that the separation _was_ only in his mind. The things he’d kept from her were still decidedly a part of him _now_ , and not everything had even something to do with Alec.

So okay, he should probably tell her some of that, eventually. Not at this party, though. Definitely not. Because fuck it, he would go talk to Alec. He _had_ to.  _Now_.

He needed to be subtle. He didn’t want anyone to notice them gone or to start asking questions, especially Alec’s _darling_. Maybe, since it _had_ been her idea, if he asked Clary to help him – shit, the guilt about that would surely turn to bite him in the fucking ass, even if there was, technically, no reason for that…but only technically – she might be able to distract Magnus. If they all went on a walk around, after all…and it would only take a short while, since Jace doubted Alec would give him more than two minutes to talk…yeah, it might work.

It only took a moment of debate with himself, before he _actually_ went and proposed the plan to Clary.

“And if this ends up being a huge mistake, it’ll be all your…” Jace couldn’t even finish the sentence, because he was already getting tongue tied, about to throw up any minute. And he even had to mask most of that, because he didn’t want to look _that_ desperate and involved in this supposedly casual thing. 

“Relax, Jace. Look, if Alec turns out not to be someone worth still being friends with, then no harm done, right? No loss, no gain. Everything will just go back to how it’s been.”

This was already karma coming back for him. Yeah, because Clary’s reassuring words were even more hurtful than before, since how things had been was the _last_ thing he truly wanted. Even though he’d spent the last year or so pretending they weren’t.

“Yeah,” he breathed out.

“Hey, guys!” Clary was already shouting across the room, motioning at Simon, then at Jonathan, who fair enough immediately walked up to them. “Wanna get out of this party?”

“Fuck yeah,” Jonathan said.

“Great, so go tell mom and dad, while I recruit Magnus and Alec.”

“Oh, is _our_ party starting then?” Simon asked her in an obnoxiously subtle way.

“Not yet. I want to go see the inside pool! But after, sure.” Clary glanced at Jace. “You two wait here, I’ll go call the others.”

Jace was barely blinking at that point, frozen in place while he tried to hide his sweaty hands in his pockets. Simon looked at him. “You alright, mate?”

“Drank too much.”

“Oh no, man. You’re not bailing on me, are you?”

Jace managed a smirk. “You wish. I can still drink you under the table, kid.”

“Awesome.”

Basically, the first part of the plan worked easily enough. Soon, the six of them were roaming the hotel, apparently with destination the inside pool. Jace hung out mostly at the back of the group, forcing himself to not get sick. To not look at Alec. Not to much avail. This wouldn’t get him anywhere, he knew it, there was _no_ way. He was such a fool. A damn, desperate idiot. 

“So who is jumping?!” Simon exclaimed as soon as they reached the pool. He looked ready to take his clothes off.

“Woah, tiger. That suit cost a lot of money!” Clary berated him.

“That’s why I’m taking it off.”

“You’re still gonna be wet when you get back in it!”

“Alright, then we can go get our bathing suits and towels! I can run.”

Clary shook her head exasperatedly. “What’s the hurry? We can walk, everyone who wants to swim can go get theirs.”

“That’s not such a bad idea,” Magnus agreed, smiling. “Alright, back here in fifteen?"

“We don’t _all_ need to go. I can get Jace’s since we share the room, while you can get Alec’s, right? We’ll be right back, c’mon.”

And Clary took Magnus’s hand, looking at him fixedly, clearly communicating to him that she had something she absolutely needed to tell him in private. It was so smooth, really. Jace was impressed.

“Uhm, I can go too, it’s no problem,” Alec tried to protest, but the trap had been set too good.

“Don’t worry, Alexander. We won’t be long,” Magnus told him sweetly.

And they didn’t leave room for any more protests before they all left. Only Jonathan hesitated, looking back at Jace and Alec who would be left alone, but he seemed to realize he didn’t care a moment later, and he went to follow the others.   

Alec stayed put long after that. He looked unable to move just as Jace was, but he was also clearly forcing himself to pretend no one else was there with him. Surely, he thought Jace would do the same up until the others came back.

Jace took a deep breath. Then another. Then another. Finally, on shaky legs, he walked up to Alec, who had his back to him.

“Alec.”

Alec’s shoulders visibly twitched, and Jace could hear his breath picking up pace. Alec didn’t make any other movement, though.

“Don’t – don’t you think we should talk for a moment?” It took Jace a lot of effort to speak that clearly and calmly.

Alec cleared his throat loudly. “What…no. No, I don’t.”

“I just–”

“ _Stop_. Don’t. Don’t say another word.” His voice was a lot rougher than it’d been so far, but it still spelled finality.

Jace had no idea how to turn that around even if he’d been expecting it, but he knew he _couldn’t_ give up just yet. He took another deep breath. “I’m sorry.”

“ _Shit_ , Jace. What are you _doing_?!” Alec shouted, facing him, finally, towering over him, and that took Jace’s breath entirely away.

This had been a mistake. How could he think he could _do_ this? He already wanted to cry, fall to his knees and beg Alec to take him back. He would never be worthy, but he _would_ do better now. Please, he couldn't live without him a second longer. He'd sacrificed enough already. 

“I–”

“I said stop it, damnit!”

That was it, he would give up, it was too much…Alec’s face, furious and unforgiving, he couldn’t bare it. He'd been stupid to think things could change. He was about to turn away, when…

No, he was still imagining things. This was all wrong, not counting impossible, yet…nothing seemed to matter to his brain anymore as he registered Alec’s unrelenting lips crush against his. And another side of him sprouted to life right then, arms gripping Alec’s shoulders as if they were the only thing keeping him upright, because they were, as his knees threatened to give out. His mouth was already open, though, sucking Alec’s oxygen, tasting Alec on his tongue, feeling Alec's body against his. Feeling _Alec_ , who was holding him just as tight while making some kind of noise at the back of his throat, mirrored in Jace’s, who would’ve started shouting if he weren’t otherwise busy.

It was over far too soon. Just as he had pulled him close, Alec pushed him away, hard, so that Jace went stumbling backwards. The room was spinning, and the only clear thing seemed to be Alec, who was wiping his mouth and holding his side as if _he’d_ been just pushed.

“You happy?” Alec yelled. “Will you leave me alone now?”

Jace’s mouth was still hanging open, but his voice didn’t return to him until too many seconds later, when Alec was already half way across the room. “What? What was _that_? Wait, Alec, I–”

Alec, surprisingly, turned on his heels again and was in front of Jace not a moment later. “And if you say a word, I swear to god…”

“I won’t, I swear, but…why?”

Alec was drunk, Jace suddenly realized. He hadn’t noticed at first, since he’d also been drinking, but now he tasted it on his own tongue. That must've been why Alec was acting like this, why he smirked just then, eyes distant. “You were being insufferable, and I wanted to shut your mouth.”

Jace was, undeniably, also quite a bit drunk. Maybe more on Alec than on the alcohol. Still, everything he'd wanted to say, all the things he'd hoped to achieve, evaporated like smoke. There was nothing else besides this moment. The fact that they'd kissed. That Alec was in front of him now. He smirked, too. “And that was the only way you could think of?”

“At the moment, yes.”

“Fair enough.”

It definitely wasn’t fair. It was crazy. And confusing. The others would be back soon, and Jace's brain still hadn't kicked back in. 

“Alec,” he felt the need to say anyway. Wasn't there something important he meant to say? 

“Shh.”

 _No_ , he would not be shushed!

Oh, he so would. But he predicted it now, as Alec took it more slowly to get close to him, so much so that Jace could feel the anticipation, the goosebumps, the breath on him much before he felt the lips. Alec’s lips. Alec. They kept it slow too, but Jace was no less burning from a desperate want. He kept kissing Alec's mouth, trading his fingers through Alec's hair, as if he'd been starved of him up until then. Which he had.  

What had they been doing, again?  

They abruptly broke apart as they heard footsteps. Alec quickly wiped his mouth and moved far away from him again, while Jace tried to compose himself as much as he could, not that he wasn’t a lost cause. He had absolutely no idea what the hell was happening or _would_ happen, but he wasn’t coherent enough to make sense of it either. Nor he, honestly, wanted to. This was all too fine by him. Right now he just thought, _I have one more thing to hide_. 

_(Don't you know I'm no good for you?_   
_I've learned to lose you, can't afford to)_


	3. Nothing ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The wedding day is still not over, and Alec has to keep dealing with the so-called Jace Herondale effect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was I quick? ;) I was really on a roll this past week, so here's the third chapter. It's, uhm...enjoy. 
> 
> P.s. I've added at the end of every chapter a few lyrics from the song that gives the title to this fic. They're not in order but generally related to what goes on in the specific chapter.
> 
> P.p.s I asked for advice on some medical related things in this chapter but I still don't claim to be an expert, so forgive me for any eventual inaccuracies.

“No, I don’t really want to swim,” Alec told Magnus.

His ears were ringing, and he kept his arms firmly clasped around his body, as he stood next to the entrance of the changing room where everyone had already gone in.

“Why not, dear? I brought you everything you need. It’ll be fun and relaxing, don’t you think?”

 _No_. The opposite of that. “I just don’t feel too good.”

Magnus looked at him more sternly. “I _told_ you not to drink so much. This is so unlike you…will you please tell me what’s bothering you, now?” He didn’t ask that harshly or unkindly, but Alec could feel that Magnus was starting to get _seriously_ fed up with him, something that had never happened so far in their three-month old relationship.

But Alec was getting fed up, too, and with good reason. He avoided Magnus’s gaze. “I told _you_ I don’t like parties, or to attend weddings of people I don’t care about, but you just _had_ to bring me along, didn’t you?”

Magnus seemed truly angry for a moment, but he made the effort to say calmly enough, “Well, I _won’t_ make the same mistake again, I guess.”

“Good.” Right. That was fine by him.

As Magnus was about to walk away, though, Alec’s hand shot up to grab Magnus’s arm.

Alec’s heart was a drumroll in his chest. His stomach was so contracted, it was a wonder he hadn’t thrown up yet. His hands were kind of shaking, and his mouth tasted like death.

No, that wasn’t the alcohol’s effect. It was the Jace Herondale effect.

Yes, it was all _his_ fault, as it always was. If _he_ hadn’t been so damn frustrating, if he hadn’t so openly, _continuously_ provoked Alec’s patience throughout the day, he wouldn’t have…

Who was he kidding. His lips still tasted him. His hands ached, and kept contracting around air, in the _need_ to touch him. Certainly, if he hadn’t also been intoxicated, Alec wouldn’t have lost _so_ outrageously to the provocation, but either way…Alec’s insides were crying at the loss of _him_. He could almost tell with pin-point accuracy were _he_ was on the other side of the wall he stood against.

He needed to cover that up. He had just slipped and fallen down, okay? It hadn’t meant anything. It _had_ been the alcohol acting in his stead, as it still was. And it had been _Jace’s_ fault, while Alec had just wanted to spend time with his new, nice, gorgeous boyfriend. It didn’t mean anything.

“Hey, I’m sorry,” Alec told Magnus, with much more inflection than before. “I don’t know what’s gotten into me, I’ve just…I’d hoped _we_ would spend more time together.”

Magnus considered him for a long moment. He still looked crossed, unconvinced, and, for a split-second, Alec feared he suspected something…then Magnus’s face morphed completely, a fond look appearing instead. “I know. And maybe you’re right, this wasn’t the ideal date opportunity I’d hoped it’d be either.” Alec subtly breathed out in relief. “But listen, let me make it up to you. Jocelyn told me that we could stay an additional night if we wanted to, but I think we’d better not. What do you say if tomorrow we take the car and go somewhere else, _whenever_ you want? Just the two of us.”

Alec was nodding along even before Magnus had finished talking. “Yes. Yes, I’d like that, that’d be great.”

Magnus smiled. “It’s a date, then.”

Alec registered with perfect clarity the moment Magnus started to lean in, but he didn’t even let the panic settle in him before he quickly jumped up from the wall, putting his own bright smile on. “You can bet! You better get changed now, though, I still don’t think you would want to waste this entire night.”

If Magnus had noticed that Alec had purposefully avoided the kiss, he didn’t let it on. “But you’re still not joining in?”

Alec shook his head.

There was a very specific reason he didn’t want to swim, and it made him feel sick just thinking about it…everyone would inevitably see that him and Jace had matching tattoos. Since Jace would be getting into the pool, Magnus might still notice it, sure, but if it was only him, the chances he would make a scene were far less. Alec had already started to think of the explanation he’d have to give him in private, though.

It had been the right idea not to enter the pool, too, because swimming right next to Jace would’ve been agonizing, especially after what had recently…transpired.

He still couldn’t believe he’d let himself be coerced like that. He should’ve been _stronger_ than that, just like he’d _had_ to be in the last year – and he had Jace to thank for that, too. No, he would not fall again, and he would _not_ deign Jace of any more consideration. The sneaky, smug bastard. Alec almost had the suspicion that he’d _orchestrated_ for them to be alone…cause it hadn’t been enough for him to tear Alec’s life to shreds, now he’d needed to prove a _point_. That he was still, irreversibly, under Alec’s skin. _On_ his skin, just like the black symbol etched into Alec’s flank never failed to remind him.

After everything they’d been through, Alec would’ve thought Jace would at least _know_ not to be so…cruel. After what Jace had…he could not even _think_ about it… _how_ had he had the nerve to approach him so out of the blue and say _sorry,_ just like that, at such an unbelievable time? It didn’t feel _possible_. And it still felt so hard to believe that Jace was really not the person Alec had always thought him to be.

But of course, he’d always been deaf and blind when it came to Jace.

Still, it hurt. God, if it hurt. After how he’d once considered himself a Jace expert, to realize he’d been so unbelievably wrong about someone he’d cared so much about, made him not only feel like the biggest idiot alive…made him damn furious, too. All the time, he _hated_ himself for having been so naïve. Such an incommensurable fool. And he _kept_ being one, too? Unacceptable.

The others were splashing each other in the pool. Laughing, having a great time. Magnus, too, which was good. He deserved to have nice things.

Especially since Alec’s eyes kept being drawn to Jace, no matter all his self-berating. _So_ _stupid_. But he just couldn’t help it. One time, Jace’s eyes met his, and they were locked on each other far more than should’ve been necessary. Alec could _see_ that Jace kept thinking about his victory, how he’d managed to get him to kiss him. Alec wouldn’t even be surprised if at any point Jace attempted to drag him into a room and make him fuck him just as good and hard as he liked it. Alec wanted to think he’d be able to say no.

What? Of _course_ he would say no. What was he even _thinking_? He was in a _relationship_. And he was much more intoxicated than he’d thought.

Alec readjusted himself on the pool chair he’d thankfully sat on. His pants were definitely not tighter than before.

“Alec, c’mon, jump in!” Simon called out at him from the pool.

Alec stiffly shook his head.

“You _are_ such a Mr. Gramps.” Simon laughed.

Alec forced a chuckle, even as he thought _Shut up, idiot_. That was Jace’s fault, too.

Jace looked at him. He didn’t say anything, but he seemed to want to say something. What? What did he _want_? Why wouldn’t he just leave him _alone_?

Jonathan, surprisingly, interceded for him. “Actually, since not everyone is having fun, isn’t it time for the real party to start?”

Everyone agreed much too loudly. Alec, too, if more quietly. Right then, even if his head was already spinning, he wanted nothing more than to shut everything down. Let him black out this entire day, _please_. And Izzy would be proud of him, for drinking that much for once.

Shit. Izzy. She’d be pulling his ears if she was there. She would be steering him away from Jace…but that was what _he_ was doing, so yeah. She’d be proud of him. Mostly. It was already a lot that he’d only slipped _once_ , and that it wouldn’t be happening again. Then, the next day, everything would be forgotten, and he could go on as if nothing had happened. Have a new, better date with Magnus. Everything back on track, really.

Jace got out of the pool in all his wet, provocative glory that Alec _immediately_ looked away from, but it still couldn’t prevent what happened next. Magnus’s gaze followed his for that split-second, and it ended up landing on Jace’s side, where it stayed for long, infinite moments. Jace saw it, and quickly covered himself with his towel, and walked away. The others didn’t notice the exchange at all, and followed him.

Alec froze, but inevitably met Magnus’s searching eyes, and they stared at each other for an even longer moment. Alec’s heart was beating fast again, too fast. He could brush it off, say it was a coincidence, a common tattoo…but it was not, and Magnus wasn’t stupid. He could say they’d been just kids…but he hadn’t mentioned that him and Jace had even been _friends_ , let alone best friends who would get the same tattoo on the same spot at sixteen and seventeen years old because they were _that_ close and _that_ devoted to each other. He couldn’t say anything that wouldn’t expose him, really, and from that to spilling everything else, the step was small.

But Magnus must’ve thought he _didn’t_ really want to ruin his night. He grabbed his own towel, and hurried to the changing room without sparing Alec another look.

When they all came out of it, it was as if nothing had happened at all, and the festive atmosphere was back in full force. It was one of those _let’s pretend we’re not dying inside_ kind of night, Alec guessed. He would not reject this saving grace, though; it would be stupid of him to do otherwise.

They migrated to Jace and Clary’s suite. It wasn’t much unlike his and Magnus’s; it was on the other side of the same corridor, too. Its balcony faced the front garden, though, and, since it was on the ground floor, it was proposed they went for a walk outside later on. If they’d be able to walk, that is.

He kept himself far away from Jace, which was a given. As they all took their places around the only table in the room, however, Jace was inevitably in front of him. Again. Alec could only sigh in frustration.  

Simon finally uncovered the infamous booze. It was beer, and some hard liquors. They would do, and hopefully make Alec’s vision blurrier.  

Alec would’ve liked them all to be quiet and just fucking _drink_ , too, but of course the kids – aka, Clary and Simon – had to go and propose the perfunctory drinking games.

Clary. She was there too, right. Alec had mostly tuned her out throughout the day. Now, he had to wonder what she would say, if she knew what Jace had done. What _him_ and Jace had done. Would she cry? Probably. Any other time he would’ve felt sorry for her – she’d fallen into Jace’s shiny trap too, after all – but right then he couldn’t give a shit. She would never know anyway, not if Jace wanted to still get in her pants.

He should probably also feel repulsed and ashamed of this dark thoughts of his, but that was another collateral of the Jace Herondale effect.

“Never ever I ever…” Simon started. Fucking _sigh_. Why had this _entire_ trip had to be a walk down memory lane? “…kissed a guy.” Basic as hell, too.

“C’mon, man, you can do better than that,” Jonathan said, rolling his eyes, as everyone except him and Simon drank.

“Can I? Cause I seem to be winning already.” Simon smirked, eyeing them all. Then he seemed to notice that Jace had drank too, and did a double-take. “Oh yeah, man?”

Clary’s eyes had widened, and she was staring sternly at her boyfriend. No, very angry at him. Fantastic. Alec had to stifle a grin. Did she know _anything_ about him?

“What?” Jace looked confused. “C’mon, I did tell you I was bi.”

“No.” Clary’s eyes were positively shooting daggers now. This was amazing. “You may have forgotten to _mention_ that.”

Jace passed a hand through his hair, which he always did when he was nervous. “Uhm, alright? Surprise?”

“Not cool, Jace,” Simon sounded really crossed, which Alec would’ve thought impossible from an insufferably bubbly guy like him. “In all these months, you could’ve at least told us at some point.”

“C’mon, cut him some slack, it’s barely been relevant,” Jonathan said, sounding bored.   

Alec was positively about to laugh at this whole mess. He turned towards Magnus to share the hilarity with him, but he changed his mind as soon as he saw how serious he was. Arms crossed. Eyeing Jace, very fixedly. Shit. He _so_ would have to have a big fucking fight with him over this. Sober-Alec will _surely_ not thank him for this disaster of a day, but that was a future-Alec’s problem.    

“Of course it’s rele–” Simon tried to protest.

“He’s right, Si,” Clary suddenly interrupted him. She didn’t seem any less crossed, but she might also not have wanted to ruin her own fun. “It doesn’t matter.”

Jace looked at her worriedly. “Uhm, you sure? I didn’t mean to…I really thought I’d told you.”

Clary smiled at him. “Yeah, it’s alright. It’s no big deal, you’re with _me_ now anyway.”

Jace quickly nodded. “Exactly.”

“It’s my turn now,” Clary went on more enthusiastically. “Never have I ever…well, let’s get this over with, kissed a girl.”

Simon still looked reluctant to brush this all off, but he went on to drink along with Jonathan, Jace and Magnus just the same. He frowned at Magnus, though.

“I _do_ know he is bi, thank you very much,” Alec quipped, earning a nervous laugh from him and the two siblings. Jace glared at him, though. Perfect.

Magnus didn’t laugh. “No more kissing, please. Let’s be more creative.” Maybe he was finally starting to regret associating himself with people so much younger than him. It had been _his_ idea either way, but it was probably not the best time to tell him _told you so_ quite yet. Not if Alec didn’t want his head chopped off.

Thankfully, as the game went on, the tension gradually faded away. The _never have I evers_ became indeed more complicated, as they all tried to hit each other – for who knew each other – with things they knew the others had done. Alec could’ve gotten Jace shit-faced drunk _so_ easily, but he was ignoring him, wasn’t he? So he didn’t ever mention _his_ misdoings, not that he would be able to say them all anyway.

He had to struggle to think of the stories Magnus had told him, but when he finally managed to make him laugh by throwing back at him the time he’d colossally embarrassed himself in front of Alec’s parents, even the cold war that had been going on between the two of them evaporated. Magnus leaned against his shoulder as he laughed it off, and Alec burst out laughing too.

“Again, I did not _know_ your parents were behind us! I wouldn’t have said…you know!”

“You really mentioned sex in front of them?!” Clary asked him between giggles.

“They still let me into their house after that, so I guessed it didn’t turn out _too_ bad,” Magnus joked.

“Next time, just keep it clean,” Alec teased him, before leaning in to peck him on the lips. Or, he’d meant to just peck him, but it was much longer in the night. They were fucking wasted by then. It ended up being more of a sloppy, a bit too long kiss. Someone whistled at them. Probably that idiot Simon.

“Keep going with the stupid game,” Alec shot back. He was definitely slurring his words, but so were the others, so whatever.

“Alright, no reason to get so mad, jeez.”

It was Jonathan’s turn. “Never have I ever…had my heart broken.”

“Nah. Impossible,” Simon told him, making a face at him.  

Jonathan thought it through. “Oh, right.”

He drank to the others’ laughs. But so did Simon and Clary. And Magnus. Alec fucking drank, too. And Jace.

Alec side-eyed him. For a moment, he debated biting his tongue and not say what he had in mind…but he was far, far beyond caring. “Oh yeah? Who was it that broke your heart, _eh_?” The others all turned towards him in surprise. “Was it that punk girl in tenth grade who dumped you at camp?” He laughed, throwing his head back.

“Hey,” Magnus sent him a warning.

Alec easily ignored that.

Jace was looking around, clearly at a loss; he’d caught him off guard. Good, he deserved it. “Don’t be _daft_ , Alec…” he sent him a warning too.

He ignored that just as well. “Because I sure as _hell_ remember who it was who had to drive _two_ hours in the middle of the fucking night to come pick you up.”

Someone cleared their throat, Alec didn’t care to see who.

“Yeah, I _remember_ ,” Jace bit back, his grip tight on his cup. “But no, it wasn’t that. As you _know_.”

“Alright, it’s my–” Simon tried. He did, the nice guy.

“Do I?” Alec slammed a hand on the table. Only slightly.

“Alexander, don’t you think it’s time to take it easy?” Magnus murmured at him, making a move to take his hand.

Alec removed it from the table. “ _Because,_ I can only _think_ …”

 _Wait, you should probably stop_ , a little voice sounding a lot like his sister spoke in the last sober part of his mind.

 _After all this time, you have him right_ here _, you finally have the chance to tell him everything you’ve wanted to…don’t you_ dare _lose it._

But this part was much bigger, much stronger, and it built, it _built_ in him, like a fire, fed by all the months, all the hours he’d spent staring at the ceiling of his room, asking himself _why_. 

“H _ow_ can someone who fucking _disappeared from the face of the earth_ ever get his heart broken?! Please do tell, because I sure as hell wouldn’t _know_!”

“Alec…” Jace’s voice had some sort of panic in it. He was asking him to stop, to _spare_ him.

“ _What_?” Jace should’ve gone to another party, if he wanted to be spared. “You deny it? When the only way I manage to see you again is at the wedding of your new _arm candy’s_ parents?!”

 “Are – are you being _serious_?” Jace asked him, with the nerve of sounding _incredulous_. “Are you fucking…you talk about _me_ , as if you haven’t moved on all _too_ eagerly with your new ‘darling’, eh, _Alexander_? As if you haven’t sold yourself off to the best _offer_?!”

Alec slammed the table properly now, sending his chair fly backwards as he abruptly stood up. Jace did the same, and the noise was a gunshot in Alec’s ringing head. If he’d been coherent, he would’ve wanted to take notice of what the other’s reaction to this shouting match was, but his eyes were locked on Jace, and nothing else. He didn’t see anything else.

“How _dare_ you? How fucking dare you tell me anything about what _I_ had to do after you–”

“Don’t _you_ dare act as if I was _ever_ good enough for you! As if you didn’t _want_ me to _leave_!”

“Are you _fucking_ kidding me right now?! Are those words really leaving your mouth?!”

“And _just_ when I was at my lowest, you couldn’t stand it that–”

“I fucking dedicated _half_ of my life to _you_ and _this_ is what I have to he–”

“-gave _up_ on me! So how can you say you _ever_ …”

 “You don’t _get_ to justify yourself so _easily_ about going away without even–”

“…cared about me at _all_?”

“–and now I just wish that I NEVER MET YOU AT ALL!”

All sounds drained out, leaving only a terrible, horrifying emptiness behind. Alec, eyes wide and blood-shot, didn’t understand _anything_ anymore, he just stared and stared at something that seemed to be slowly cracking on Jace’s face, just as something broke in _him_ , too. Loudly. Irreparably.

“You – you don’t mean that, you…” Jace seemed to run out of breath.

Alec _couldn’t_ breathe at all. Unable to do anything else, he turned around, and ran.

* * *

_Tired, his eyes burning from studying too much, Alec took a breath of relief as he entered the apartment. Another day was over, and he could finally, maybe, concede himself a few hours of relax._

_Thinking that, as he hanged his jacket and let his bag slide to the floor, he called out, “Jace?”_

_No answer. Jace’s shoes and jacket were there, though._

_“Jace, you there?” Alec called out again as he walked to the living room._

_Jace_ was _there, lying on the couch with his back to him, and judging from his slow breathing, he was deep asleep. Alec smiled fondly at the sight._

_Careful not to wake him, he started slowly making his way towards him…but he cursedly ended up tripping on the carpet._

_Jace jumped up so fast he almost fell off of the couch._

_“Woah, hey, it’s me,” Alec hurried to say, going to sit next to him. “Sorry, didn’t mean to wak–”_

_Jace turned towards him. The entire left side of his face was black._

_“Jace!” Alec exclaimed in panic, a hand shooting up to grab Jace’s face, to examine the bruise._

_“It’s nothing, I just fell.” Jace turned away, removing Alec’s hand from him and quickly getting up._

_Alec sighed. “You’re killing yourself with this training. You have to be more careful!”_

_“I’m sorry, okay?!” Jace yelled, then added more quietly, “It won’t happen again.”_

_Sighing again, but getting up as well, Alec hurried to the kitchen and took some ice cubes from the freezer, wrapping them tightly in a towel. When he returned to the room, Jace was giving him his back again, and from the way he was hugging his chest and holding himself Alec had an idea he was nursing even more injuries._

_Alec went to place a hand on Jace’s shoulder, gently prompting him to turn around. Jace still tried to avert his eyes, though, even as Alec put the ice on his face._

_“You don’t have to apologize, you know,” he whispered into his hair, before placing a kiss there._

_Jace sharply got away from him, and the ice fell on the floor with a dull sound. Alec felt it echo deep in his bones, loud and clear._

_“And_ you _don’t have to coddle me, you know! I can take care of myself.”_

_Alec gritted his teeth. “Clearly not! It’s been happening too often, you’re being careless and reckless! Do you want to end up in the hospital again? I get it that it’s important to you to get into the police, but don’t you think–”_

_“You don’t get to tell me what’s important to me or not!”_

_“What? What are you even saying?!”_

_A void was growing in the pit of Alec’s stomach, and he wasn’t even surprised anymore._ Here we go again _, he could only think. This feeling, this terrible wrongness that made them shout at each other, had become a constant third-wheel whenever they were in the same room._

 _Alec spent all day out trying to concentrate on his studies, missing Jace like crazy, counting down the hours until he could get home to him, yet Jace was always unreachable. There with him, yes, but miles apart._ Jace _came back home from his own studies and training as a different person every time…one time he was gloomy and distant, the next one clingy and needy, the next one irascible and confrontational. Alec was trying, he was_ trying _not to resent him for it, since Jace_ was _under a lot of pressure –_ but so am I _– and just as he kept switching medications. Still, it was starting to get a little too much. It had been for quite a while._

 _Alec could already feel his throat far too tight. He forced himself to take a deep breath. “Look, Jace, I don’t want to fight, okay? And I’m_ not _telling you what to do, I just can’t bare seeing you like this. Hurting yourself like this. There must be a better way to–”_

_“You still think I can’t do it, can you? You think I’m too weak, you always have!” Jace’s eyes were bloodshot, and he looked feral, unhinged._

_Alec felt every shouted word as a hit. “I – I have_ never _thought that, how can you even say that? I’ve always been with you every step of the way...”_

_“Then get off my back.” Jace crouched down to retrieve the ice towel, slamming it on his face. “Gosh, you’re even sounding like my dad. Do I have permission to rest, sir?” He sat back on the couch, feet on the coffee table just like he knew Alec hated, and turned on the tv._

_Alec stared at him. Then stared at the tv. Then back at Jace. War raged inside of him. Was he really ready to let this umpteenth argument go?_ Should _he strive for one peaceful evening cuddling with his boyfriend on the couch, watching a silly movie, and not focusing on what Jace was doing wrong, but forgiving him for it?_

 _But_ could _he really sit down next to a Jace who was being like this, and pass the time as if nothing had happened? Repress what he was actually feeling? He had definitely done that quite a number of times. He could manage it again, probably…but it wouldn’t change the situation. None at all. And Alec_ wouldn’t _get through another day if it kept going on like this._

 _So Alec, just that one time, let the void inside of him fill him whole, and let it out. In quick motions, he grabbed the remote from Jace’s hand, threw it on the couch after he’d turned off the tv, and he stepped in front of it, so that Jace couldn’t avoid looking up at him. Then he spoke, loudly, but not even as loudly as he would’ve liked to, “I can’t_ do _this anymore, Jace! It’s not fair to me, I just_ can’t _!”_

_Jace blinked, caught off guard. “What?”_

_“Don’t you see that this isn’t right, that we can’t keep going on like this?! We’re always fighting, always angry at each other, you don’t_ talk _to me anymore, and you only kiss me when you want to get off! I’m not your emotional punching-ball, I’m your_ boyfriend _. And I’m still_ Alec _, but it looks like you’ve forgotten who I am…who_ we _are.”_

_He hadn’t wanted to, but tears were already threatening to spill out from his eyes. And if this didn’t shake Jace at all, he really didn’t know what else to do. He had never felt so helpless, so at a loss, and nothing his family and friends had advised him to do had worked so far. The fear of losing Jace seemed more and more tangible, and it was tearing him apart._

_“It’s – it’s not true, Alec,” Jace said, getting up, but not moving further. He looked so unsure of himself, and so small. It hurt just as much to see. “You_ know _I love you.”_

_“I don’t know about that,” Alec breathed out. This couldn’t be real, couldn’t be really happening. He couldn’t really be doubting the foundation of their relationship. But how could he not, after all these months that they’d been so broken?_

_“What do you want me to_ do, _then?” Jace’s voice cracked._

_“I don’t know! Just be honest with me! It – it didn’t use to be this hard...”_

_Alec suddenly realized he didn’t have any more energy for this. He knew he wasn’t helping, he’d started this with no concrete idea how to fix things, but how was he expected to_ know _? This was the first serious, adult relationship for the both of them, but they’d been friends for far longer. And Alec just knew he wanted_ his _Jace back…but he didn’t know if he existed anymore._

_“I get it,” Jace suddenly said. He was nodding, not looking at him._

_Alec wiped a tear from his face. “What do you get?”_

_Jace’s eyes met his. They were much more focused and determined, which surprised Alec. “It’s alright, Alec. I get it.”_

_“What_ are _you getting?”_

_Jace didn’t answer, instead he walked out of the room, headed towards the front door._

_“Jace, where the_ hell _are you going?” Alec followed him, and Jace was already putting on his shoes._

_“I’m going to fix this. You won’t have to feel like this anymore,” Jace said, as he was putting on his jacket._

_He wasn’t making any sense. “Jace, you’re scaring me now. Where do you think you’re going at this hour?”_

_“For a walk. We both need to clear our heads.”_

_Alec frowned. “But…right now?”_

_Jace finally stopped getting ready. He walked up to him, and Alec wanted to start crying for real as Jace took his face in his hands._

_“It’s going to be alright,” Jace whispered softly, letting their foreheads touch._

_Alec breathed him in, and it still felt like his Jace. God, he’d missed him so damn much. And he might’ve had no idea what to do, but he knew he could_ trust _Jace. Even after everything, he would trust him with his life._

_“Okay,” Alec agreed. “But don’t be too long.”_

_Jace kissed him, and Alec sighed into the kiss, holding him close, savoring the moment as much as he could. He tasted Jace’s tears, too. Jace_ cared _, of course he did, and Alec had been stupid to doubt that even for just a moment._

_They’d be alright, and they’d get through this, one way or another. As they always did._

_They broke apart, and Jace got out of the door. He turned his head as he did, and he smiled at him. A little shaky, but it was a smile. Alec smiled back._

_When the door closed, Alec was left staring at it, letting out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. Jace had been right, they’d needed to clear their heads. Alec_ needed _to be able to think without Jace in the room, so that he could really come up with the right plan of action._

_He walked towards their room. He was deadly tired, and once there, he ended up throwing himself on the bed. Maybe if he slept a bit first, he thought, it would come to him sooner._

_It wasn’t long before he fell asleep._

_The next morning, Jace still hadn’t come back. Nor he ever did._

* * *

Alec ran up to the room he shared with Magnus. After struggling to open the door with his automatic key, he went inside, and rushed to the bathroom, not even having the time to think before he fell on his knees, head on the toilet and hands gripping it tight, as he emptied all the contents of his stomach.

It lasted a while.

After, he had no more energy to keep himself upright, and he fell down to the side, curling himself up on the floor. There was not one part of him that wasn’t in some kind of pain, and snot was dripping from his nose, mixed with tears he hadn’t realized had started coming at some point.

The words were the worst, though, as they drilled into his head, making less and less sense the more he remembered them. The _best_ offer? Not good _enough_? _Wanted_ him to leave? Gave _up_? _Not_ cared?

Had he really not imagined it all? And Jace…how _could_ he come up with such blatant _fucking_ lies? 

How could _he_ come up with such a blatant fucking lie? Even after he’d woken up one morning only to realize that the person who was supposed to love him the most had not come back, even after he’d spent an entire day trying to reach up to him only to find out he’d been blocked everywhere, then weeks upon weeks of trying to reach up to him anyway to no avail…he knew he would still always want to meet Jace. Damn if he knew it.  

That was why this was all too cruel, too damn hard, too unfair. He’d gotten over him. He’d _thought_ he’d gotten over him. He’d almost _started_ to believe it.

Fast forward not even forty-eight hours later, after seeing that Jace had found a new girlfriend, new friends, a new, entirely unrelated job he hadn’t almost killed himself over time and time again – all things that apparently made him happier and calmer than Alec ever had – he was a drunk man covered in his own vomit laying on the bathroom floor, having cheated on his current rebound boyfriend just a few hours earlier, and shouted at the man he still hopelessly loved unspeakable things that weren’t even true. All of that to hurt him just as much as _he’d_ been hurt by him. Or at least, try to. 

Yet, no matter all the despair and heartbreak Jace had brought in his life, causing Jace pain meant doing it to _himself_ double the dosage, because he still _wasn’t_ over him, and he never would be. Deep inside, he’d always known that, too.

Fuck his life. Just, fuck it all. Because Jace hadn't loved him as much as he'd said he did, and he'd just...left him. Alec was still picking up the pieces a year later. 

Distantly, he heard someone barge in. He spared a look, and the blur must’ve been Magnus.

“Go. Go away,” he croaked. “Please.”

He buried his face in his hands. His face didn’t deserve to be seen by the world any longer. His entire body was shaking, too, and he had no way to stop it.

Magnus must’ve gone away after a while, because Alec found himself alone. As he should be. He didn’t know when he fell asleep on the cold tiles, not before regretting ever being born anyway.

* * *

He could feel the pounding in his head, the foulness in his mouth, the hard floor underneath him. _No_. It meant he was waking up. 

He was sore everywhere and he didn’t ever want to move, still, he couldn’t help letting an eye slip open. The strange warmness he felt was explained, then. A blanket had been thrown on him; needless to say, he didn’t deserve it.

As he became more and more conscious of himself, he realized he remembered mostly everything of the day before, from the tentative but still acceptable start, to the dreadful, apocalyptic finish, even if it shouldn’t have been possible…but it served him just right. He didn’t deserve to forget, either.

Letting himself move on autopilot, Alec got up from the floor. Refraining from looking into the mirror, he cleaned himself up as best as he could, then he entered the main room. The bed was empty, which he had been expecting... but no, Magnus _was_ there. He was sleeping on the couch. Alec stared at him for a long moment – how was it possible, that after everything Alec had been put through, he’d _still_ been able to put someone else through it? – then he went to retrieve his suitcase from under the bed.

He’d also be the one leaving without a warning, apparently. He started packing, slowly and methodically, since a quicker pace would’ve been physically impossible. At least he wouldn’t be saying that everything would be alright, now that he knew better than ever believing that.

Actually, he wasn’t as lucky as to be able to make a quick disappearance. He heard rustling, and sure enough, it was Magnus starting to wake up. Alec was still not done, nor did he have the strength to hurry up and make a run for it.

“You’re leaving,” Magnus said groggily. It wasn’t a question.

Alec zipped his suitcase closed. “Goodbye, Magnus.”

“Oh, _hell_ no.” Magnus got up and walked up to him, face set in stone. “Don’t you think I’m at _least_ owed an explanation?”

Alec paused. He hadn’t been expecting that, he thought he’d been terrible enough to not deserve to be able to explain himself at all. But of course, it wasn’t a matter of what _he_ deserved. “Yeah. But I can’t speak right now. I – I can’t.” His hands were still shaking.

“How do you plan to leave anyway?” Magnus asked him. “By _driving_? Are you crazy? You can barely hold yourself up!”

“What else can I do? I can’t stay here a second longer,” Alec said in barely more than a whisper.

That made a sliver of sympathy appear on Magnus’s face, not that that was the effect Alec had strived for. It was just the truth.

“Let _me_ drive,” Magnus suggested. “I’m not in as bad a condition.”

Alec shook his head, not believing his ears. “ _Why_ would you want to do that? Do you really want to get on a four-hour ride with me?”

Magnus hesitated. Alec took advantage of that to pick up his suitcase and start to make his way towards the door.

“Wait! I brought you here, so I’m partly responsible…”

“This is _not_ your fault, Magnus.”

“Maybe, or maybe not. Either way, you’re my ride, and I really don’t want to ask anyone else. Let’s just get to New York, _okay_? You don’t have to say anything yet, if you don’t want to.”

Alec sighed. He didn’t have the will to argue.

Thankfully, they didn’t meet anyone they knew, as they checked out of the resort. It was quite late in the morning, so Alec guessed they were probably enjoying themselves somewhere. He didn’t even try _not_ to think about what Jace must’ve been doing, because his heart was already bleeding out and he didn’t know how to stop it quite yet. He wondered if he’d managed to patch things up with Clary, and if he’d already permanently crossed the name _Alec_ from his mind.

Alec moved slowly, too, because he didn’t know what awaited him outside of that place. Definitely no Jace. But no Magnus, either. And no sanity, only a lot of pain in its place. Izzy would be there for him, sure, but not before yelling at him first, and he really didn’t want to hear it.

This had to be his worst vacation yet, and one time he’d had to hear Jace having sex with someone else on the other side of the wall, back before they even got together. Those were simpler times, in a way, when he'd still never been under the illusion that Jace could ever return his feelings. 

They reached the car in silence. In the same manner, they started their journey.

Magnus asked him only one thing, eyes fixed on the road. “He’s your ex, isn’t it? The one you were so sad about when we met?”

Alec couldn’t really fault him for it. He kept staring out of the window, as he nodded.  

“And you’re still in love with him.” That was not a question. “You’ve been all this time.” Not a question, either.

Alec closed his eyes. “I kissed him.” He had to pause. “Last night.”

“By the pool?” Magnus didn’t even let him answer, before he let out a laugh, which couldn’t really be called a laugh. “I figured something had happened. And I noticed you two have matching tattoos. That's why you don't like to talk about yours...I’ve thrown you right into his arms, haven’t I? By bringing you with me.”

“No.” Alec gulped loudly. “Not your fault. I just lied to you, about ever getting over my previous relationship. About how truly bad I felt about it. I lied to myself, too.”

Magnus only pursed his lips, but he didn’t add anything more.

An hour passed of utter nothing, during which Alec reveled in the terrible feeling of his hangover. It wasn’t strong enough to stifle his thoughts, though. Everything that had been said the day before was still echoing in his head, not making much more sense either. And now, he wouldn’t ever get some answers.

Out of the blue, a phone started ringing. It was Magnus’s, and he motioned at Alec to pick it up. As soon as he saw the name on the screen, though, Alec had to suppress a new need to vomit. It was Clary calling.

Magnus had the sense to look for a place to stop on the side of the road. He parked the car, and Alec immediately shot out of it. When he got back a few minutes later, Magnus was on the phone, but he soon gestured at him. It took Alec a moment too long to realize that he looked kind of freaked out.

“What?” Alec exclaimed.

“Hold on, Clary, I’ll put you on speaker,” Magnus spoke to the phone. It was the first time he’d called her by her name. This wasn’t sounding good at all. “Tell him again.”

Alec wanted to beg him not to do that, panic building in him, but it was too late.

“Alec, you there?” Clary’s voice could be heard.

“Yeah, he’s here,” Magnus answered for him as he was taking too long. “Just tell him.”

Alec had no idea what was going on.

“Listen, I wouldn’t ask you,” Clary sounded hesitant, frantic, “but I don’t know what – there’s something wrong with Jace, okay?” At hearing the name, Alec stopped breathing altogether. “He keeps saying he forgot some pills, but he’s doubled over in pain and he’s not making a lot of sense! If you know anything about it…”

“His – his ADHD pills? He _forgot_ them? Clary, call his parents.” No, this couldn’t be happening too.

“He says ADHD,” Clary said quickly to someone else. “We did! We did call them but they’re not answering. Wait, they tell me to ask you exactly which one.”

“I don’t know if he’s still using the same ones as–”

“Just say what you know, and we’ll try to ask Jace!”

“Straterra, it was called, but that was a year ago…”

“Hold on.”

Clary stopped talking to the phone, and a lot of voices and noises could be heard on the other side, but too far away and indistinct to make any sense of them. Magnus was looking worriedly at him, as Alec was hyperventilating by that point. He’d been through this with Jace before, he had, but this time he couldn’t help but wonder if he’d had a hand in it, if their argument had made Jace worse, and now if he didn’t get his medication back soon…

“He seems to be saying it’s that one!” Clary finally shouted back into the phone. “Alec, please, if you have any idea where you could get it by today…”

Alec’s eyes suddenly widened. “ _Wait_.”

Alec fought with the door before he managed to get it open, and he rushed to the back of the car as fast as he could, opening the trunk and pulling up his suitcase. Jace had left everything at the apartment they’d shared. Alec had given it all away only months and months later, always clinging on to the hope that he would come back to take his things; his _pills_ , at least, even though Alec had realized he’d probably gotten new ones after just a week. Alec had kept them anyway. He brought them _everywhere_ he went, in case Jace desperately needed them like it had happened a few times. He didn’t _think_ about the motion of putting the pill bottle into any bag he was carrying with him anymore. He just did it. But that was also the reason why he could’ve started _not_ to do it without him even realizing it, and Alec was sweating cold as he searched for his toiletry bag. As he dove his hand in it. Even as he came up with the familiar shape of the pill container…it was just the one. _Jace H._ was still scribbled on it.

He ran back into the car, but from the driver side this time. “Let me,” he told Magnus.

Magnus must’ve quickly realized he wasn’t up for a debate, and left him the seat.

“Clary, where exactly are you?” Alec asked her, as he started the car.

“We’re at the Bolton Health Center, near the resort. But wait, what–”

“I have them. The pills. We’ll be there in about an hour.”

Magnus closed the door on his side.

“But how – okay, please, hurry,” Clary said, and she ended the call.

The adrenaline gave him the sharp focus he needed. Alec found the first available exit, then went the other way. Back to the resort. He was careful not to surpass the speed limit – they didn’t have time to be pulled up right now – but only just.

As Alec sped through the roads, neither him nor Magnus said a word.

* * *

Alec, pills tight in hand, ran up to the front door of the medical center. Magnus was at his hill, but Alec was going too fast for him. He had too good of an idea of what he would find in there.

The person at the reception told him where to go even before he’d finished explaining himself, and soon after he was entering a door where Clary, her family, and Simon were all amassed together. The sight on the cot in the corner still felt unbearable to him.

Jace was deadly pale, the hair wet and sticky on his forehead, and he seemed to be trying to make himself smaller, as if the pain could affect him any less that way.  Alec knew his head must’ve been killing him, cramps tearing him apart form the inside, so much more strongly and violently than what Alec had gone through the night before. No, this was on a whole other level, and it wouldn’t fade away on its own.

Someone who must’ve been the doctor suddenly blocked Alec’s line of sight. She grabbed the bottle, starting to read what was written on it.

“They’re his,” Alec managed to say. “But from a year ago, are they still good?”

“They are,” the doctor said, pointing at the expiration date. “It’s the best we can do anyway.”

And she went to approach Jace, but Alec knew straight away that she wouldn’t succeed. Sure enough, Jace started thrashing immediately as she tried to touch him, flaring his arms everywhere so that no pill or water could ever get close to him.

“Hold him down!” the doctor called out to some nurses in the corner.

“Wait!” Alec intervened, bordering on desperate. “ _Please_ , let me try. I know him, I know how to handle him like this. He’ll only struggle more if you try to constrain him.”

The doctor studied him carefully, before looking at Clary’s mother for approval. Jocelyn didn’t protest, nor did the others, even Magnus who’d entered the room. Either way, Alec would’ve gone along with it even if they did.

The doctor handed him a pill and a glass of water. “You have one try, then we’ll handle it.”

Alec nodded stiffly. He would’ve preferred that they all left the room, but they wouldn’t trust him that much.

He chanced another glance at Jace. It tore something even further in him. _How_ had this happened? Had Jace purposely not taken his medication? _Because_ of him?

No, he couldn’t think like this quite yet. Alec had to calm himself down. He _needed_ to, if he wanted to be able to help Jace at all. He took a few deep breathes, and as soon as he felt steady enough, he hurried up to Jace, placing both pill and glass of water on the table next to his cot.

“Jace, it’s me,” he whispered to him, brokenly, realizing how bad that sounded even as he said it. He’d put his knee on the mattress, as he slowly let his hands get closer to Jace without touching him yet. “You need to take your pill.”

“N-no,” Jace chattered out. He could hear him, then. “L–leave me.”

Jace was crying, of course he was, and that alone already got Alec far too close to the edge. “I’m _not_ leaving you,” he told him anyway, and much more firmly than he thought he would.

“You…you wish you’d never met me,” Jace said all in one breath, as he struggled to breathe in the first place.

“ _No_.” Alec spoke past a lump in his throat, taking Jace’s wrists in his hands to get them away from Jace’s face. He didn’t encounter any resistance, but only because Jace was too weak by then. He met his pained eyes. “Jace, I’m _so_ sorry…I could never, _ever_ mean that.”

Jace imperceptibly shook his head. “You should – you shouldn’t have met me.”

“Shut up, please, don’t say that.”

“I’m…sor–”

“ _Don’t_ speak right now. You have to take this, or you won't feel better.” He didn’t wait for Jace’s approval, he simply shoved the pill in his hand and helped him upright as Jace, trembling, managed to swallow it down after drinking the water.

Alec let out a sigh of relief, even as he put a hand out to stop the doctor from coming closer quite yet. He helped Jace lay back down. “Okay, you’ll be fine now. You’re fine.”

But Jace didn’t look fine, even as his breathing started slowly getting easier and some color was returning to his cheeks. He just kept staring, unblinking, at Alec, his familiar, mismatched eyes wide and lost…and Alec simply lost it.

He threw himself at Jace, holding his sobbing form in his arms just as he felt Jace desperately claw at his shoulders. “Shh, you’re alright,” Alec cried into Jace’s neck, as he felt wet tears stain the front of his shirt. “I’ve got you. I’ve got you now.”

 _(Tore my shirt to stop you bleedin'_  
_But nothin' ever stops you leavin')_


	4. Hurt you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jace wakes up in a medical clinic to Alec sitting on a chair right next to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again, new chapter here. Editing takes me an eternity, I swear. Let me know what you all think ;)

_“Hey son, what are you doing here? We hadn’t been expect–”_

_Jace walked past his dumbfounded father and straight up marched into his childhood home. When he’d reached the living room, where his mother looked up at him in surprise, he started pacing around, not unlike a caged animal._

_“Jace, dear, what’s wrong?” Celine asked him, sharing a worried look with Stephen, who simply shook his head at her._

_“He – he…” Jace grabbed his head, who hadn’t stopped pounding in all the time it’d taken him to get there._

_Celine carefully walked up to him. “Jace, have you taken your meds today?”_

_Jace dismissed that unneeded, irrelevant concern. “Alec–” He choked on the word._

_“What is it? Is he alright? Where is he now, why isn’t he with you?”_

_His mother’s string of questions wasn’t helping. Jace stopped on his tracks. He paused, staring into empty space. “He doesn’t want…” He struggled to breathe. “…to be with me anymore.”_

_Saying it aloud seemed to put the final nail in the coffin of his mind._

_“What?” Stephen said loudly._

_“That’s not possible.” Celine shook her head in disbelief. “That boy adores you, Jace. Why don’t you tell us exactly what…?”_

_“He_ said, _in no other words_ , _he can’t do this –_ us _– anymore.” He heard himself say the words from far away._

 _Celine’s face fell, and the look she sent Jace was nothing but pitiful. Jace didn’t_ want _pity. He didn’t want_ anything _, any of_ this _._

_“Maybe he just needs some time apart,” Stephen said, trying to be helpful in that matter-of-fact way he always had. Usually, it ended being utter bullshit. “I know you two are going through a rough patch right now, but it’s just normal since you’re both focused on your goals. But I wouldn’t call you a quitter, and the same goes for Alec…”_

_Jace kept shaking his head. He’d been so stupid. So_ blind _not to see what was going on right in front of his eyes. He_ knew _he hadn’t been himself lately, he knew it even as he kept acting out, but he hadn’t thought…_

 _How_ could _he not have seen how much he was heavying on Alec?_

 _His Alec, standing in front of him on the verge of tears,_ begging _him for something he couldn’t even articulate. But Jace understood now. He hadn’t been able to see it before tonight, but Alec looked like a ghost of himself, uncharacteristically tired, angry, frustrated…because of_ him _. And Alec would never say it aloud, that not only was he done with Jace’s constant inability to get his shit together, he couldn’t_ stand _being his caretaker any longer._

 _But after everything they’d been through together, there was no doubt that Alec_ wouldn’t _be the one to let Jace go even if he wanted to, even if it killed him…and both were far too stark possibilities. That was why Jace_ had _to be the stronger one. He couldn’t let Alec do that to himself, and_ do _that to him any longer._

_He still hadn’t been sure, as he’d left his and Alec’s apartment, as he’d blurringly made his way towards his parents’ house, of what he would do. Now, as he realized, once and for all, what had to be done, he couldn’t bare it._

_If he wanted to save him, his dear Alec, the person he loved the most in the whole universe, but who was too selfless for his own good and kept stubbornly caring for lost causes…he had to remove himself from Alec’s life. Permanently._

_Jace’s fist smashed through a window._

* * *

He felt warm and comfortable. His mouth might’ve been a little pasty, but oh, didn’t he ever want to move from there. Pulling his covers a bit further over his head, Jace sighed in bliss.

Someone else sighed, too. Jace froze. Where _was_ he? This didn’t feel like his bed. Or any bed he’d been in lately. It was much too small.

Jace’s eyes shot wide open…and his heart stopped.

Alec was sitting in an armchair next to the bed, deep asleep with his head leaning on a hand. Dark circles hung under his eyes.

And everything came back to Jace, crushing him like a tidal wave. The wedding. Alec being there. Pretending not to know him. Not to love him. Alec _kissing_ him. Them arguing, shouting at each other…

Then, him walking through the resort’s grounds. Alone, all night. Feeling nothing at all. He’d walked until he’d fallen over, as his medication withdrawal had inevitably, finally kicked in. He must’ve fainted, because the next thing he remembered was the sun shining high over his head, and someone he didn’t know bent over him, asking him if he was alright. The only thing he could think to do was send for Clary’s parents, but when he’d tried to explain himself, everyone had thought he’d used actual drugs.

Of when they’d brought him to this small medical center, where he’d been unable to do much more than writhe in pain, he could only remember Clary desperately asking him why he’d never told her about his condition. How could she still have been surprised after everything else he hadn’t told her, Jace didn’t know.

Alec had come for him, though. Jace remembered that clearly enough. He’d brought him his pills – where he’d gotten them, the hell if he knew. He didn’t care. All he knew was that he’d ended up crying in Alec’s arms, and that was both the best and most pathetic thing that had happened to him in the last forty-eight hours, and that was saying a lot. He must’ve fallen asleep after that. And Alec had _stayed_.   

He looked so peaceful now, even if he couldn’t be comfortable in that chair. Jace both couldn’t bare the sight, which brought up too many forbidden memories, and couldn’t take his eyes off of it. Alec had come to _help_ him.

 _“I’ve got you. I’ve got you now.”_ Alec had whispered that thickly in his ear, as he’d held him close, and just after he’d told him he hadn’t meant what he’d said, about wishing he’d never met him...

Jace shut his eyes, overwhelmed by just the memory, because Alec’s words spoke far too directly to the deepest desire of his bleeding soul…that Alec might still have a place for him in his heart.

But how could he, when everything from his newfound happiness and confidence, to his indifference and anger told another story?

 _“Who was it that broke your heart,_ eh _?”_

Their last argument was the most jarring, painful thing that had happened. _Alec_ had split Jace in half, when he’d told him he didn’t _know_ if he loved him, even if he’d been doubting _Jace_ when he’d said that. But that had showed Jace that Alec didn’t believe in his _own_ love anymore, and everything after that had only been a confirmation of it.

Not that he hadn’t wondered, sometimes, whenever he’d had to stop himself from running back to Alec and begging him for another chance, if he had been wrong, if he had been too quick in drawing his conclusions. But all he’d ever needed to do was remind himself of that dreadful night, when he’d realized he’d been sucking on Alec’s love like a fucking leech, leaving him _dry_ , so that Alec kept staying with him only out of loyalty, out of _duty_.

Jace had thought them to be _kindred spirits_ , which meant that no matter any state their relationship might have been in, be it friends or more than that, what mattered was that the two of them were bound together for _life_! They’d even sealed that into their own _skins_!

The reality was more that they were each other’s drug. All the progress Jace had made in taking care of himself this past year had partly been towards the goal of lessening that fact, but his recent plan of talking to Alec had clearly backfired, and spectacularly at that. He’d been naïve to think he could ever be around Alec in moderation. When it came to them, it was always either all or nothing.

Jace had to get up and leave again. As soon as possible.

He was about to get the sheets off of him, careful not to make a sound, when the door creaked open. It was Clary peaking her head in, and as soon as she noticed Jace wasn’t sleeping, she swung the door open all the way and came in. She wasn’t being particularly loud, even if she was speaking on the phone, yet Alec jumped awake, blinking away the shock as he tried to get his bearings. His and Jace’s eyes locked for just a second, before Clary handed Jace the phone and he had to focus his attention elsewhere.

“It’s your mother,” Clary said, short.  

  _Shit_.

Jace had to clear his throat a few times, before he could talk into the phone, “M – mom?”

“Dear god, Jace, how could you be so _careless_?!”

Jace rubbed his eyes tirelessly. “Mom…”

“I just found your pills on your bedside table, the _most_ important thing that you should’ve brought with you, yet you…”

“Mom, please. I _know_ , okay? It was a stupid mistake.”

“You should know better by now! What if something _worse_ happened, and how did you get them anyway? How are you okay right now? Clary told me I don’t need to come and bring them to you…”

Jace hesitated. He couldn’t help a glance in Alec’s direction. “It’s – it’s a long story. I’ll tell you everything when I get back, okay? I’m fine now, I _am_.”

His father spoke through the phone next, “Are you sure you don’t want us to come pick you up? If the others are still staying at the hotel, maybe it’d be better not to bother them?”

Clary had heard. “We’re going home today. Mom and Luke leave for their honeymoon tomorrow. You came with us, so of course we're not leaving you here.”

Her voice was monotone, like it never was. Jace felt the sting of it. He still didn't dare argue with her statement, and related what she’d said to his parents. “See you tonight, alright? Don’t freak out, please.”

He heard his mother’s sigh. “Try to be careful, alright? See you soon. Love you.”

Jace swallowed the lump in his throat. “You too.”

He handed Clary her phone back, his eyes down. He couldn’t look at her, nor at Alec, who both hadn’t moved. They were stuck there because of him.

Clary made an obvious move to leave, but Alec suddenly got up.

“I, uhm…” He didn’t meet anyone’s eyes. “I need a coffee.”

He was leaving the two of them alone. Nice of him to do that, except for the fact that Jace had no fucking idea what he should do.

Him and Clary remained still for far too long after Alec had left, and the situation couldn’t seem more surreal if it tried. They were supposed to be boyfriend and girlfriend, yet Jace could taste the staleness in the air. If last night there might have been something still worth salvaging, today it was long gone. Jace couldn’t even remember what exactly he’d felt for Clary.

“Speak. Now.” Clary had her arms crossed, a fire in her eyes that it wouldn’t surprise Jace if it managed to burn him.

His hands curled tightly around the bed cover. “I don’t even know where to start.”

“Why not with who the _fuck_ is Alec to you?”

That stung, too. Jace had to force himself to look at her. “I told you, we were best friends. And then we were more than that, and…we got together.”

“Yeah, _shouldn’t_ have left that part out.” Her brows crossed on her forehead. “How long?”

“What?”

“How long were you two together?”

Jace bit his lower lip. “Three years.” He paused. “We broke up a year ago.” Clary kept nodding, and Jace sank his teeth even deeper into his lip. “And I’m _so_ sorry, Clary, but last night we – we kissed.”

Clary let out a scoff. “And now I look like a proper idiot! I even _arranged_ for you two to be alone. How could you make me _do_ that? Do I really mean that little to you?”

“No, it wasn’t like that! That hadn’t been my intention, I _did_ just want to talk to him, as a friend, but we were drunk and…” Jace felt suddenly too hot for comfort. “It’s still _over_ between us. For real.”

Clary looked pointedly at Alec’s vacated seat. “ _Right_. I don’t believe that even for one second, and you shouldn’t either.”

Jace’s jaw tensed. “It just didn’t end well between us, okay? We weren’t expecting to see each other any time soon, so of course things got a little…weird and heated, in more ways than one. We’ve been through a lot together. But that still doesn’t mean that–”

“You’re still in love with each other?” Clary finished for him, an eyebrow raised. “Because it seems kind of obvious, and not just to me.”

“ _No_.” Jace decidedly shook his head. “You all got that wrong.”

Clary rolled her eyes. “Whatever. I don’t _care_ , okay? The last thing I want to do right now is to be any more involved in this mess you’ve got going on. I don’t think I deserve it.”

“Of course not, Clary…” Jace stretched a hand out towards her, and managed to take hers and hold it despite her reluctance. “I am so, _so_ sorry. For not having been a better boyfriend.” Jace sighed heavily. “I should’ve known not to get with someone else so soon, or at all. I’ve never been good in relationships. I _am_ too much of a mess.”

“You’re not a mess, Jace,” Clary said, as her face started to fall. Jace couldn’t take it if she started crying. “Or maybe you are a bit. But you’re not a _bad_ guy, I just think you have a tendency to sabotage yourself.”

Jace almost laughed. “Yeah, that might just be right.”

Her face seemed to crumble even more. “Did you care about me even a little?” she asked in such a small voice.

Jace _was_ a bad guy, this was the definition of it. He leaned down to press his lips to her hand. “Of _course_ I did. I’ve been happy with you, and I _am_ being honest.” He raised his eyes to her. “I should’ve been from the start.”

Clary couldn’t respond to that, and she removed her hand from his hold. “But you _are_ in love with Alec, aren’t you?”

Jace’s heart stuttered. He averted his gaze. “Are you sure you want to give me a ride? You don’t need to, I can maybe catch a train or something.”

She took a careful step back. “Don’t be ridiculous, we’re leaving in about an hour. The others might not be too nice with you, but I’ll tell them not to be too harsh either.”

He definitely did not deserve her being so considerate to him, but he figured he could only say, “Thank you.”

A smile appeared on Clary’s face, the corner of her lips turning upwards for the briefest of moments. Her gaze lingered a bit more than that. Then, quietly, she walked towards the door.

She turned around as she opened it, as if a thought had just occurred to her. “Alec had gone away, you know. Him and Magnus were on the road when I called them, and Alec rushed back here as soon as he heard. He’d kept your pills with him, that’s how he had them.”

Jace took a shaky, uneven breath as she left the room. A scream was already building in his throat, and he groaned loudly as he let himself fall back on the bed. Clary shouldn’t have said that. Why had she said that? Now Jace’s head was spinning all over again. He couldn’t _think_.

And he’d barely managed to compose himself, before the door was opened again, softly and hesitantly. Did Alec really think Jace would fall back asleep that easily? Apparently, because he came in only after their eyes met across the room. Jace sat up, letting his feet touch the floor.     

“I’m just getting my jacket,” Alec said slowly, taking a step towards the chair. “I – I’ll be going, then.”

 _Wait, Alec_ … It was right on the tip of Jace’s tongue, but he couldn’t say it. Shouldn’t. He _had_ to let him go. Let him live his new and improved, happier and healthier life.

Jace closed his eyes. It didn’t mean he had to _see_ it.

As new cracks threatened to split the last remnants of his heart, he waited for the sound of movements and of the door being closed again.

None of that came.

“ _Jace_.”

There it was, that desperate sound that had been stuck in Jace’s throat, but it had come from _Alec_ instead, and in the form of his own name. It sucker-punched the air out of him.

“Jace, look at me.”

 _No_. The last thing he should’ve done was to listen to that. But how could he deny how badly it called out to him?

Jace's eyes flew back open on their own accord, and it was even worse than he’d thought. _Alec’s_ warm hazel eyes were the very same ones he’d always loved to lose himself in, whenever they’d laid side by side on their bed, their legs intertwined, talking about nothing and everything all at once. Only now they were veiled with the same kind of misery Jace felt mirrored in himself, _demanding_ to be let out.

Jace sucked the air back in, then out, “Why did you stay?”

Alec didn’t explain himself, why he hadn’t simply slipped out of the room and left without leaving a trace before Jace even woke up. He licked his lips instead, as his gaze fell to the floor. His shoulders were so hunched, as if a weight had been resting on them. “What did you _mean_ , when you said you were never good enough for me? Or that I _wanted_ you to leave?”

Jace wringed his hands together, feeling nauseous again, but for an entirely not-medically related reason. “Just that. It’s the truth,” he said lowly.  

“The _fuck_ it is. How could you even…how can you even think that?” Alec’s hand grabbed the back of the chair, his knuckles turning white. “You _left_ , Jace. You walked out and never came _back_.”

Jace got up, as if in a daze. He didn’t want to have this argument again, but he knew he couldn’t escape it. If this was what Alec needed to finally see reason, then so be it. “I already told you. Don’t act as if you didn’t _tell_ me to, goddamn it.”

“No, I did _not_.” The low tone of Alec’s voice echoed angrily in the small room. If he’d shouted, it wouldn’t have had the same effect, chilling Jace right to the bone. He was suddenly grateful the chair stood between them. “I’d _remember_ if I did something like that, don’t you think?”

“You didn’t say it in so many words, okay, but how was I supposed to take ‘I can’t do this anymore’?! Do you remember _that_?”

“I – we were _fighting_!” Alec’s nose was blown wide. “We’d been for a while! And I could feel that you weren’t happy, that you were distancing yourself from me. I couldn’t take _that_ anymore.”

Jace shrugged, hugging his arms close around himself. “Same thing. Listen, Alec…”

“No, _you_ listen to me.” And so he would, Jace couldn’t escape that either. “After everything, how could you think I would just want you to disappear? When have I _ever_ wanted that? I wanted to fix–”

“What?” Jace said, unable to care about the roughness in his voice. “ _Me_?”

“No, Jace, _us_!” Alec grabbed his hair, pulling them as if he didn’t know what else to do with his hands. “I wanted to fix us! I wanted us to get back to how we…we used to be.”

Jace shook his head, as he instinctually retreated as far away from Alec as possible, his back hitting the wall. “You weren’t happy with me anymore…”

“Because _you_ weren’t!” Alec yelled, huffing loudly. “So _please_ , stop saying all this bullshit, just admit that you got tired of me and just needed the first excuse to _leave_ me.”

“What?” Jace let out an incredulous laugh. This was getting ridiculous, he _had_ to end this useless charade. “I–” The words got stuck in his throat, inevitably. It had been too long since he’d said them aloud. “I love you. I fucking _love_ you, Alec, and leaving you was the hardest thing I ever had to _do_. But how could I stay knowing that I was just being a _burden_ to you? I only ever want–” He’d done it, and he tasted salty tears on his tongue, “for you to be _happy_. Nothing more, that’s all that matters to me. I was dragging you down, _you_ let me realize that, and I couldn’t just do nothing about it. You _are_ far happier now. With…Magnus, and–”

“Stop.” Alec put a hand up.

“It’s okay, Alec.” Jace wiped a stubborn tear with the palm of his hand. “You don’t have to feel sorr–”

“I said _stop_.”

Jace shut up, covering his eyes with that hand, as he tried to catch his breath. It was fine, they _should_ stop. Alec just had to leave, if only he would finally admit the truth.  

Jace heard the chair being pulled away instead. He knew what would happen next, but he had no room to run away. The next moment Alec stepped in front of him, a tangible, unmistakable presence that Jace would recognize everywhere, even if he was blind or deaf or both. The need to get closer to him was even stronger, so he had to force himself to keep as still as possible. Wishing he could fuse with the wall. Or disappear in it.

Jace felt the electricity run down his entire body even before Alec touched him, gently wrapping his fingers around Jace’s wrist. “Alec, _please_ …” But Jace wasn’t strong enough not to let Alec pull the hand away from his face, the last physical barrier between them. Beyond it, Alec looked just as furious as he’d been right before he’d kissed him, and it had exactly the same effect on Jace. He couldn’t breathe.

“You’re a _fucking_ idiot,” Alec snapped, and Jace could only recoil at that. “I called you a thousand times, Jace, a _thousand_. And you didn’t answer _once_. I even came to your parents' house and they told me you didn’t want to see me, and it was better if I _left_. I kept calling. I kept waiting, _hoping_ for you to come back, for _months_. Were all this signs from someone who didn’t want to ever see you again?!”

“You felt bad,” Jace blurted out, his brain rejecting the last failing note in Alec’s voice. It caused too big of a crack in his convictions, and he couldn’t let go of them. They were all he had. “You’d always felt like you needed to take care of me, so I thought – so you just couldn’t accept that I was alone and hurt! But I _knew_ you’d feel better without me in the long run, that’s why I – I had to keep my distance at all cost…”

“ _Fuck_ that, Jace. _Who_ gave you this idea?" Alec asked brokenly. "Because it sure as hell wasn’t _me_ , who had to deal with your shit all the time, not because I felt like I needed to, but because I _wanted_ to, because I _love_ you, and I don’t care how much of an asshole or a mess or fucking infuriating person you are, you’ll always be the best _fucking_ thing that’s ever happened to, and there’s nothing you can say or do that will ever change this _fact_!” 

Alec's finger jabbed against his shoulder, and it _burned_. “No. You’re just saying that,” Jace said, close to a whimper, as he tried to flatten himself further against the wall. It was the only thing still keeping him upright. “Please, I can’t–”

“I’m _not_ – oh my _god_ ,” Alec growled. “You’re not _listening_ to me. Stop getting inside that thick head of yours, and _see_ me! I’m right in front of you, Jace." 

“I can _see_ you, Alec…” Jace was begging for the floor to open up under him by now. 

“No, you clearly _can’t_ ," Alec went on, a step away from shouting, "or you would’ve already realized that I’ve done nothing but fucking _miss_ you all this time and I’ve been _barely_ happy, trying to, maybe, but failing _miserably_. Fucking miserably.” Alec laughed, a humorless, thick sound that caused Jace's throat to close right up, choking him, as he was stuck staring at a wayward tear making its way down Alec's cheek.  “My life is just dull without you, Herondale, shouldn’t you know that?" he breathed out, quietly, softly. "Who else is ever going to make me frustrated about their entire existence, but also make me feel like the luckiest fucking asshole in the world for being alive at their same point in time? It’s always been you…you _idiot_.” 

Alec turned around, walking half way across the room before he could stop. He pinched the corners of his eyes, scrunched painfully tight, as he tried to put a stop to his turmoil of emotions. It didn't look like he was succeeding. His shoulders rose and fell at a rapid speed.

Jace hadn’t moved at all. He didn’t know if he ever could, if he would ever remember how to anymore. He wouldn’t be surprised if his brain activity would just read as a straight line. Dead.   

Or he wished it were. He _wanted_ it to be, because he’d never felt this unnamable, all-consuming, all-crushing  _thing_ , not even a few hours ago when he’d been curled up in that very bed going through the pains of hell. “You didn’t want me to leave?” he said all in one, stunted breath. _Youdidntwantmetoleave?_ his mind supplied, crying it out. 

“You’re only getting that _now_? Please, Jace, just stop.” Alec raised his reddened eyes to the ceiling, hands crossed behind his neck. “I can’t do this anymore, and I _mean_ arguing with you without getting anywhere.”

Jace felt disitantly his head nod. It was all he could do. And he'd started sliding down against the wall at some point, but he only realized it when his ass met the floor.

“Hey, Jace, what–” Of course, of _course_ Alec would immediately rush to his side of the room, kneeling down in front of him, asking him worriedly, “Are you feeling okay? Should I call the doctor? Do you need–”

Jace opened his mouth, but a strangled breath was all that came out. _Alec_ , was the only thought that filled his emptied mind. And he watched from the ouside, as his hand moved on its own, trembling, placing itself, gingerly, on Alec’s face, his fingers hurting as they felt Alec's skin. Alec went completely still, his widened eyes boring right into Jace's. 

“Are you really telling me,” Jace slowly composed the right words, “that it was all a...misunderstanding? That we broke up for _nothing_?” Nothing. _Nothing, nothing, nothing..._

Alec looked at a loss for words too, the lines on his face recounting every single one of his conflicting, unyielding emotions. But he had the sense to get up, pulling an unresponding Jace with him, so that Jace found himself back on the bed a moment later. Alec sat down next to him. 

It took Alec a while to find the answer, a time in which Jace stared straight ahead, unblinking, trying to reach a deeper form of understanding in the white emptiness of the wall.  

“At the time, well, yes,” Alec admitted so quietly, Jace barely heard him. “But thinking back _now_...I really don't know, if it was exactly for nothing.” Alec closed his eyes. He mustn't have wanted to see it either. “Maybe it _does_ say something about us, about our past relationship...the fact that we understood everything wrong.”

Alec should’ve just punched Jace in the gut, it would’ve been quicker and hurt less. “Right,” Jace said, a laugh building in him that would've crumbled him completely. He stopped it from rising. “We fell apart stupidly…but we still did.” They fucking _had._  One wrong move after the other, leading to a fall down the cliff's edge. At the end of the day, did it really matter _how_  it'd happened? They were still there, right at the bottom. "Everything is still ruined. I-" Jace exhaled. "I ruined everything." He fucking _had_. All along. 

Alec turned his head towards him, and Jace couldn’t help but do the same. Alec looked ten times more tired than he did even just a short while ago, and the thick wall was still there, sitting between them, Jace could see it. Even though he wouldn't have wanted to.

“It wasn't just you,” Alec told him softly, deep creases forming on his forehead. “I - I shouldn't have shouted at you like that. I should've confronted you another way, in a better way..."

"It would've still happened," Jace said. Admitting that to himself more than anything. "For how things were back then...it had been waiting to happen." 

Jace had hated his police training, he'd hated that he hated it because he'd been convinced it was what he wanted, and he'd hated _himself_. That Jace would've always left Alec, if not that day, some other one. And he'd told himself lies all this time, justified himself over and over again that it'd been for Alec's sake...instead he'd only been acting selfishly. He'd protected himself from ending up hating Alec too. He'd been acting like it already. 

"So that's it?" Alec asked the question that had already been plaguing Jace. "There's nothing more we can do?"   

"What do _you_ want to do?" Jace asked, he didn't even know why. He already dreaded to hear an answer he couldn't bare. Yet, he needed something, _anything_ he could hold on to. 

"I don't know." Alec leaned his forehead on his clasped hands. "All I know is that I-" He swallowed. "I still miss you, Jace.”

Jace inhaled sharply, making a sound, like he imagined a kicked dog would make.

“I’ll never not miss you,” Alec continued. Jace caught the words in his mind, and stored them somewhere deep. For later. He didn't comprehend them yet. “I know that I _could_ live without you, because I _have_ , but that doesn’t mean…that it’s what I want.” Alec brought a hand to his left flank, and Jace’s heart skipped several beats at once, as he caught the gesture out of the corner of his eye. “ _Whither thou goest, I will go_. Remember that?”

He didn't _want_ to. But he was already crushing under the weight of his mistakes, so what could some more twisting the knife do? Jace let out a watery laugh, murmuring, “I could never forget. I still have that book.”

That stupid book he’d found once in a bookstore, about demon slayers and supernatural creatures. And cheesy romances. He’d bought it ironically, and he would read it to Alec aloud, as they would both laugh their asses off at it.

One aspect had caught their serious attention, though. A pair of warriors, of best friends, who’d chosen to bind their souls together. For life. Come hell or high water, they swore to always be there for each other. Him and Alec had looked at each other as they read that passage, but they hadn’t said a word. They’d still been clueless teenagers, who would’ve never dared to talk openly about their feelings. The thought had stayed with them, though, and when Jace had proposed Alec the “cool” tattoo idea, just like the one those badass warriors had, both of them had been tacitly aware of the real meaning behind it. Much later on, once Jace had finally gotten his head out of his ass and realized what he truly felt for Alec, that meaning had expanded even more, becoming the foundation of their relationship.

“ _How_?” Alec asked incredulously. “You left it at the apartment, and I…I gave it away.”

Another twist, but he deserved that one. “I bought it again, in a flea market,” Jace reluctantly admitted, feeling his face heat up. He lingered, before posing the next question, “Did you give… _all_ of my stuff away?” He might as well know it all. Learn about every little consequence of his decision.

“Izzy made me do it,” Alec said, looking embarassed. He didn't need to be, but Jace let him go on, “She’d wanted me to burn everything, but I didn’t indulge in her sadistic tendencies.”

Jace snorted loudly at that, not that it was remotely funny. Thinking of Izzy hurt just as much. He missed her badly too, as well as all the friends he and Alec had shared but he’d given up along with him. “You should’ve let her,” he affirmed.

Alec’s eyes rolled, a new hit to Jace's mangled stomach. 

“Do you still live in that apartment?” he ended up asking too. He just never knew when to shut up. Now he'd brought up the memory of just how excited about, how in love with their first place together they’d been. 

“No,” was Alec’s simple, predictable answer, and Jace didn’t know if he felt relieved and even more saddened about it passing on to someone else. “Izzy and I got a new place together, she didn’t want me to live alone,” Alec admitted. “I – I only moved away after I gave up on you ever returning...Izzy might've given me a push on that, too. She's helped me a lot.”

Of course she had, and he was glad for that. Jace nodded. “She’d skin me alive if she ever saw me again, wouldn’t she?” Maybe that was it, he just needed to show up at Isabelle Lightwood's door. His end would be much faster and more painful than if he waited for divine punishment. 

Alec cleared his throat, a corner of his mouth quirking up, “I’ll tell her not to.”

But that managed to suck the air out of Jace for a completely new, opposite reason. He gasped, his gaze flying to Alec as a ridicolously small, but unmistakable spark of hope came to life within him. Entirely without his consent. “Because…I will see her again?” Jace couldn't hide the desperate tinge in his voice he felt ashamed was even there.

Alec knew what he was asking. Clouds darkened his eyes again. “It depends.”

“On...what?” Jace said slowly. But he shouldn't, he shouldn't be asking for more than he was getting, since it was already far more than he deserved, yet he could feel the hope slip from within his grasp, and it already felt too much like losing Alec all over again. He held his breath. 

Alec didn’t answer. His eyes wandered around the room instead, as if he was only now realizing where they actually were. “We need to talk," he told him, then. "For real. About everything. But this is not the time or place to do it.”

Jace frowned. “But aren’t we already talking?”      

“No, we’re circling around it,” Alec said, and Jace was even more confused. “We’re not saying anything important.”

Jace huffed. Good to know that they’d made no progress at all, then.    

“But it’s alright, we shouldn’t do that now either.” Alec turned towards him again, some tension gone from his face. He mostly looked pensieve. “ _Look_ at us, we’re no better than zombies. I have a headache. You’ve just been in terrible pain. We _need_ to go home. Your parents are probably still worrying about you.”

Jace fiddled with his hands. “Yeah. Very likely.”

He did feel tired. He hadn’t slept enough, no matter the few naps he’d unwillingly taken during the day. In this state, he definitely wouldn’t be able to come up with the right things to say even if he tried, and he risked ruining everything once more. Alec was right, this wasn't the time to continue this conversation, which was already far heavier and more complicated than Jace could handle quite yet. 

But going home would mean parting from Alec...with no means to contact him. “If I asked you for your number, would you…?”

“No.”

That came so sharply and unexpectedly, Jace's shoulders jumped, and he couldn't mask the hurt on his face as he stared blankly at Alec. He'd understood everything wrong again, hadn't he?

Jace got up from the bed. He couldn't sit there any longer. "Alright," he heard himself say, just to say something that could make sense to him. 

He hadn't taken two steps that Alec spoke again, though, and much more gently. But not before sighing heavily. "I _can't_ give you my number, but look, Jace, here’s the deal." Jace was curious despite himself, of course he was, and turned slightly back to face him. Alec's face was set in determination. "Today’s Sunday, so… _next_ Sunday, in Central Park, 2 pm, at our spot, if you remember which…” Jace just nodded. Alec took a deep breath then, as if steeling himself to say his next words, “If we _both_ choose to show up, we’ll talk, say everything we need to say and then we’ll go off of that. But if one or both of us doesn’t want to talk or see the other ever again, we don’t show up, and we don't question it. Is that clear?”

Jace's mouth opened and closed a few times. “Just – just like _that_?" He was still wrapping his mind around what he'd just heard. "And why next week? Why not tomorrow?”

“We, well, _I_ know that I need some time to reflect, to take all this in," Alec explained, "because right now, I - I can barely think straight.”

Jace couldn't help himself. “As if you ever did," he joked, and he wouldn’t regret it, since Alec did let out a low chuckle. 

“Shut up,” Alec bit back, smirking. Then he sighed again, sobering up. “This is serious, Jace. After all that has…come up, we, you included, need to be really sure of where we want to go from this. We can’t afford to be jumping into anything, because you’re right, I wasn’t happy, but _you_ weren’t either, so we can’t go back to how things were no matter what, that’s not the right choice." He paused. "We can’t erase what happened, or act like nothing was actually wrong, because it was. We need to figure out a way to go forward that’s good for both of us, and right now, we can only do it separately.”

“Alright,” Jace said, firmly, honestly this time.   

Alec looked at him. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Jace smiled, shakenly, all cracked up inside, but he actually did. Alec's answering, hesitant smile was much the same. “One week. Central park.”

 _I’ll be there_ , he wanted to add. But Alec was right. It was too early to say if he actually would, if he truly, genuinely _wanted_ to go. Even if it might've looked like it to him right now. 

Alec nodded slowly. “It's decided, then. So I - I really think I should be going now.”

“Yeah, that's probably for the best.” It had to be. 

Alec got up too, and they ended up facing each other awkwardly, Alec with one foot towards the door. The undenyable need to hug him was there, and it threatened to swallow Jace whole. Because what if they actually  _didn’t_ see each other ever again, and this would be his last chance to do it?

Yet, he knew it wouldn’t feel right. Not right now.

Jace thought back to that oath in his book. _Wither thou goest, I will go_. If it _ever_ meant anything to them, he needed to trust in it, now more than ever. Trust in _them_. 

Alec turned around, and started to walk away.

“Alec, wait."

Alec stopped with a hand on the door handle, and he waited for Jace to say what he had to.

“If I don’t ever see you again…” Jace blinked away the inevitable, burning moisture in his eyes. “Or even if I do, know that I never, _ever_ wanted to hurt you, in any way. I can never say sorry enough for not seeing that I had failed in that.” And he closed his mouth, his teeth digging into his skin in search of blood.  

Alec didn’t move for a long moment. “ _I_ am sorry, if I ever did anything that could've made you believe that you weren't enough for me. You were always _so_ much more than enough, Jace. And I should've been able to help you more go through whatever it was that was burdening you. I - I'm so proud of you, for getting past that. I always knew you could." He paused. "Just don't forget your pills.” 

Jace laughed, but he didn't hide his tears, he didn't hide any of what he was feeling as Alec smiled at him, warm, but just as broken, before he got out of the door. He hadn't said a parting word, but Jace was glad for that. A goodbye would’ve crushed any hope he might still have. A see you soon would’ve risen it too high. And he needed to manage his expectations, if he wanted to survive the following week.

Alec _was_ proud of him. 

Jace grabbed his new-old pills as he left the tiny room.

* * *

Set on leaving any and all reflection and exploration of his hell of emotions to when he was back in the quiet of his room at home, Jace stepped towards the car with his heart on hold and his head held down.

It was difficult for him to meet anyone’s eyes, even though most of the expressions were being kept fairly neutral. From Clary with her nose almost touching her phone screen, to Jonathan making puffs of smoke in the air, cigarette in hand, to Simon looking around, as if he wanted to admire a non-existent scenery. Clary must’ve told the two of them she didn’t want any drama, yet Jace still thought she was being too nice to him, even if he _didn't_ actually want to get beaten up.

Knowing about their anger and disappointment didn't leave much of a better taste, though. If only he thought back to the scene he and Alec had made last night, after how _careful_ \- mostly - they'd been not to let anything out about their past relationship, he wanted to start digging in the ground with his bare hands. Talk of washing your dirty laundry in public...him and his ex - even if he never liked to think of Alec in that restricting, excrutiating way - had literally thrown shit at each other in front of their friends and significant others. Clary should at least be the one digging his grave right now.  

But he would accept what he got, nothing less, nothing more. He'd shrink in a corner in the back of the car, and hope for the hours to pass. He wasn't illuded they would pass _well_ , but just _pass_. 

However, he was headed towards Jonathan’s car, when Luke stopped him. “You’ll be riding with us.”

Right. That made much more sense. “Yeah, sure,” Jace agreed.

He studied Luke’s face, to gather if he was going to be yelled at - or killed - by Clary's stepfather for hurting his precious daughter during the long journey. Luke was also usually far too nice, though. It was _Jocelyn_ he had to be scared of; Clary’s mom had never really liked him in the first place. Not that he could blame her, certainly.

There she was. Jocelyn was coming out of the medical center...and next to her was  _Magnus_. Jace’s gut jumped up into his throat, his eyes bulging out. Alec had already gone away, why was he still _there_?

“He’s decided to come with us,” Luke explained into his ear, stern. “He’ll go with the kids.”

 _Damn_. He could understand him, of course he did. Jace wouldn’t wish having to sit four hours next to the person one just broke up with – and Jace guessed they had indeed broken up – on his worst enemy, and he didn’t even have _anything_ against Magnus. He was just another unfortunate victim of his and Alec’s most recent explosion.

Jace could only note with surprise, however, how _much_ he didn’t feel anything truly negative towards Magnus, if he compared it to the burning-hot jealousy he’d felt towards Alec’s _first_ boyfriend.

If _that_ hadn’t been a dumpster fire, too, back when Alec had just started college, while Jace had still been stuck in high school. His best friend had started making new friends, being always busy elsewhere, having never time for him, and Jace just hadn’t been able to _cope_. He’d feared losing him even then - which felt almost ridicolous now, as they would only not talk for a few days at a time, at _most_ \- and when Alec had then come up with a _boyfriend_ , Jace had seen positively _green_. He’d started outright being horrible to both of them – not that he had understood why at first – so much so that everyone had thought him to be a raging homophobic.

Jace could only laugh about it now. _That_ had been resolved with him ending up kissing Alec in his backyard, scared shitless but unable to do anything else to stifle the fire in the pit of his stomach. And apparently, Alec had been wanting for that to happen all along, but had also been far too scared to say anything, in case he'd ended up ruining their friendship with his supposedly unrequited feelings. What _moronic_ idiots they’d both been.

Not that that had remotely changed, but they were older now, and conflicts were much more complicated, messy, confusing, the line between right or wrong smudged over, blurry beyond recognition... Even if _now_ they were aware of the disastrous misunderstanding, even if they were maybe still in love with each other, a year of loss and pain and resentment couldn’t be resolved with one kiss. Even if Jace wished it could.

So when he looked at Magnus, who understandably, purposefully ignored him, he only felt sad. The fact that him and Simon – who, no matter his sometimes-frustrating hyperactive nature, had been such a nice friend to have – would hardly ever be close again, heavied on Jace’s shoulders just as well. And losing Clary, who he’d still cared deeply about, was indeed something he’d have to process, and mourn over.

He needed that full week, he realized. To be alone, to let himself be hurt and angry and sad and maybe even a little happy, without having to give anything back before he was ready.

But after that, everything was fair ground.

* * *

He apologized to Jocelyn and Luke, he had to. They’d been nice enough to invite him to their wedding, and he’d ruined everything. He felt _ashamed_ , more than he’d ever been in his entire life.

“I know, or at least I _hope_ it wasn’t your intention, Jace,” Jocelyn said, barely able to mask her displeasure. “I know that, so I don’t want to be too harsh on you. Still, I can’t like you, and I think you can understand that. But you didn’t ruin _everything_. Clary is strong, she’ll get through this, and our wedding was just as we’d always dreamed.” She paused. “Only the day _after_ it was kind of all over the place.”

“You could say _that_ ,” Luke deadpanned, and Jocelyn scoffed. “But she’s right, Jace. I may be worried about Magnus a bit more, but this was just an unfortune circumstance for all of you. Nothing unamendable, though. Just do us one favor, will you?"

Jace nodded tensely, bracing himself. 

"Try to get yourself straight," Luke told him kindly, and Jace felt bad for an entirely different reason, "so that at least all this painful series of events will have had some kind of _point_.”

“I – I’ll try to,” Jace managed to say, his hands clawing at his jeans. “But I don’t think I could ever fully repay you...even just for not tossing me out of the car right now.”

“Not that I couldn’t be tempted,” Jocelyn retorted, earning a roaring laugh from her husband, but Jace knew that there was some truth in the joke. He didn’t know who to thank that she wasn’t a murdering psychopath. "But really, Jace," she went on, more seriously. "If you really want to make it up to us, try to move on from this. You weren't a pretty sight, let me tell you."

Jace snorted lightly. "I know."   

He slept for most of the rest of the journey. His body just demanded and _claimed_ it after all the stress and the emotional roller-coaster he’d gone through. The few times he regained some consciousness were layered with too many unpleasant thoughts and feelings, so that he welcomed oblivion all too readily, needily. He didn’t _want_ to think about how much the mood in the car following just behind them must’ve been even worse. Or that Alec might’ve already got back home, and be telling Izzy what happened this very moment.

 _What_ will  _she advise him to do?_  A corner of his sleep-deprived mind still couldn’t help but ask. If Alec had been even a little bit inclined to meet him next week, will she make him change his mind? But _wouldn’t_ that be the right thing for him?

 _No, stop_.

If he had learned _one_ thing this awful weekend, it was that no one could really know what was best for someone else, nor they _should_. Alec deserved to be able to make his own decision, so Jace hoped he would, and whenever he did, Jace would _listen_ , and accept it, whichever it ended up being.

He wouldn't let himself go, wouldn't lose sight of himself and his own life and happiness, if Alec decided they part ways, even if it would be undenyably  _hard_. Damn if it would. 

He would _rejoyce_ , if they could stay even just _friends_ , even if a part of him would always mourn everything else they wouldn't be.

And Jace might still not be convinced that he was or could ever be a good thing - let alone the _best_ thing - in Alec’s life, but if by some stroke of luck Alec would confirm it, in no unclear words, a week from now...he wouldn’t question it. Ever again. He wouldn’t make the same mistake twice. He'd love Alec with everything he had, and never look back. 

Now he only needed to make _his_ own decision. _What do_ I _want?_ It should've felt easy or obvious, but nothing was anymore. 

When, late at night, they finally stopped in front of Jace’s house – the other car had gone to Magnus’s – a few polite greetings were exchanged, and then it was over. Jace let out a heavy exhale, as he dragged himself towards the front door. He got himself in, careful not to make too much noise in the remote case his parents had gone to sleep.

Not that they would, especially his mother. He hardly believed she would even be _able_ to fall asleep before he was back home.

That was why he wasn’t surprised, as soon as he stepped into the living room, when she threw herself at him. He’d been expecting it, yet he hadn't been prepared for the effect the hug would have on him, and he completely broke down. The past few days came crushing down on him so quickly and with such violence that he became a sobbing mess in his mother’s arms in two seconds flat. She didn’t even ask questions, she simply hugged him, stroking his hair just like how she used to do when he was little, and he’d just scraped his knee. That made him cry even harder. No band-aid could really help him now…but she was still his mother.

Only when Jace had somewhat calmed down and he was sitting between his parents on the couch, did they ask what happened. Jace could barely start to recount it all. He could only try to.

“I’m sorry I forgot the pills, but that is really the last of-" He took a deep breath. "He was... _Alec_ was there, at the wedding.”

Neither of his parents had been expecting that.

“Alec? _That_ Alec?” Celine asked, her voice high-pitched.

“How many Alecs do you know, mom?" Jace laughed humorlessly. "Of course, _him_.”

“Oh. That mustn’t have been easy. I’m so sorry, son,” Stephen told him softly, stroking his shoulder.

“So what happened, then?” Celine prompted him. “I hope you stayed away from him…but who am I kidding. What did he do? What did _you_ do? Did you _know_ he'd be there? Tell me that is not why you forgot your pills! I swear to god if Alec did anything to hurt you aga-”

His mother had always been fiercely protective of him. "Mom, please, just listen to me. _No_ , I didn't know he'd be there, and that _was_ an accident, I swear."

Her mother still looked kind of pissed, but she calmed down. "So why are you so upset?"

Not easy to explain in two words. The long-winded story came out of him all at once, though. He didn't know how much his parents understood, because he was definitely not an impassive storyteller.

“And it turned out..." He'd gotten choked up ever since retelling their argument, but now it was only worse, "that he _didn’t_ really want to break up. I got it all _wrong_. I _left_ him like the next-door _asshole._ I thought I was doing what was best for him, but it was _not_ , and now it’s all screwed up, I screwed everything up.” Jace was breathing heavy, and no amount of his mother stroking his hand could help him, yet neither she nor his father dared interrupt him. “I don’t know if he can ever trust me again...I don’t know if _I_ can ever trust myself again. But we still, somehow, care about each other. We both broke up with who we were with, and we're meeting each other next week. I don't know if he'll show up, though, or if I will. I don’t know what to _do,_ or if we can ever work out again, if we should, or if it wouldn't be better to just go our separate ways not to hurt each other like this anymore _. Yet-_ ”

“Jace, baby." Celine sounded reluctant to speak, but she wouldn't back down on what she thought. "I get that you're in shock right now, and okay, maybe things weren't exactly like you thought, but think of how _bad_ you were feeling last year. What all of this got both of you. Maybe, you should face the fact that it’s _not_ the best idea to involve yourself with Alec again. Sometimes, letting go _is_ the right thing to do, for how painful it can be. Now that you both know the truth, you can better move on...”

He shouldn't have told the story. He shouldn't have said anything, because now he had someone else's doubts on top of his own, and he'd wanted to make a clear-minded decision. What did he _want_? “What if I don’t want to lose him, mom? I know I - I won’t ever love someone like I love Alec. I can’t let that go, I _can’t_.”

“Maybe he’s right, Ce, what if it’s still worth a shot?” Stephen said, and Jace turned his head towards him in surprise. “Hell if I know where I’d be if I hadn’t given your mother and I a second chance, Jace.”

“You really think that, dad?” Jace asked slowly.

“I’ve always thought that,” Stephen confirmed. Then he smiled, kind of sadly. “You and Alec have always had something special, everyone could see it. And now I can't help but think...maybe, if you and I had resolved our issues sooner, your relationship with Alec wouldn't have gotten that bad."

Jace shook his head. "It wasn't your fault, dad. It was still me, who treated Alec like that, and just because _I_ was feeling like a failure."

"Wasn't it _me_ , who made you feel like a failure?" Stephen asked.

Jace flinched, thinking back to the argument him and his father had had last year, right before he'd quit his training and opened his coffee shop. "I already forgave you, dad. I know you only wanted what was best for me." 

Stephen's face set. "I _still_ want that. Relationships are hard, son, and pain is often unavoidable...but if Alec is really that important to you, you shouldn’t give up on it. You should _fight_ for it, just like you always do for the things you truly care about. You showed me that.”

His father might’ve just learned how to say the right thing. Jace held his gaze for a few moments, feeling a smile appear on his own face. "That I do."  

“I just can’t stand to see you get hurt,” her mother said then, and Jace looked up at her again. “I _do_ agree with your dad, don't get me wrong. I was so shocked when you two broke it off like that. But if you _really_ still want to be with him…Jace, promise me, promise me it’ll be only if you’re both 100% happy about it. Nothing less.”

Jace thought it over. He nodded firmly. “I’ll make sure of that. I _have_ to. I’m not messing it up again.”

He might've just made up his mind. 

* * *

 Down into the basement-turned-his-room, Jace got into bed. As he felt his eyelids droop, the last thing he saw was the one-year-old pill bottle sitting on his nightstand, right next to the one he already had.

_(Don't you know too much already?  
I'll only hurt you if you let me)_


End file.
